Monster Hunter Rise, the nearly perfected hunting game: A review

 Oh hey, would you look at that! A new Monster Hunter game released. I don't want to brag, but I am something of an expert on this franchise. And if you thought I wasn't going to review this game, you'd be dead wrong. This was going to be just a first impressions post, but then I beat the actual final boss. I don't think that "first impressions" extends that far in a playthrough. Anyway, Monster Hunter Rise was released after Monster Hunter World, which was the best selling game Capcom ever released so far. As such, Rise uses the mechanics of World as a foundation while attempting to do its own thing.

For those of you unfamiliar with Monster Hunter, the concept is simple. You hunt monsters, use their body parts (scales, fur, teeth, etc.) to craft better quality weapons and armor, and then hunt bigger and deadlier monsters. Rinse and repeat while doing a lighthearted story campaign usually about preserving nature or protecting your home. The stories in these games can admittedly be rather plain, but the gameplay itself is so fun and engaging that it more than makes up for it. Monster Hunter Rise follows this concept as well. It has a relatively simple story about your character becoming a professional Monster Hunter while defending a village from annual Rampages. Like, you're not a chosen one out to save the world. You're just a guy or gal who happens to be very good at killing monsters, which is why Kamura Village hired you as their guardian. They get attacked by monsters. Very frequently. It happens with enough frequency that you can put a date and time to the next Rampage on the calendar. 

With all that out of the way, let's talk about the actual story and characters. The plot is still as simple as the previous games. Your character grew up in a beautiful village heavily inspired by Feudal Japan and receives a license to legally hunt monsters that live in the nearby wilderness. You complete Quests to earn money and improve your reputation so you can be allowed to go on bigger, more dangerous hunts. Every now and again you help your friends and neighbors with their problems, such as delivering Wyvern Eggs to a chef so she can create a new recipe or killing a certain number of weaker enemies so traveling merchants can set up camp safely. The most interesting thing this game does with its story is the Rampage, an event where all the monsters start stampeding straight towards the village. It's quite possibly the biggest spectacle in the franchise. They try building up a mystery over what is causing the Rampage to happen, but I know a Monster Hunter plot when I see one. And the answer is, "if the mystery doesn't have an immediate explanation, An Elder Dragon Did It." Elder Dragons are the most dangerous monsters in the series, and are usually shown to have godlike power. And spoiler alert! The Rampage is caused not by an Elder Dragon... But by TWO Elder Dragons! The official explanation is that the Elder Dragons are trying to reproduce, and their telepathic mating calls (yes, you read that right) are irritating the other monsters so much that they start becoming violent and aggressive. So uh, the ultimate villain in this game is just a pair of draconic horrors trying to make babies. That's a sentence that I had to write for a review. Thank you, Capcom, for allowing me to write sentences that clearly should not be written.

I do like this game's villagers a lot more than Monster Hunter World's. Like, World's cast consisted mostly of charming, if static characters, and the Handler. The Handler was by far the most disliked character from that game. Why? She kept throwing herself into easily avoidable danger just so the player has an excuse to save her from the newest boss. The first couple of times were okay, but for some reason World didn't really know how to introduce its bosses unless it somehow involved antagonizing the Handler so she can be a distressed damsel you have to rescue. They do this over 15 times. This is on top of insisting on joining you despite her lack of survival skills or weaponry. And then giving herself a disproportionate amount of credit for your success. Seriously, her dialogue makes it seem like she's fighting alongside you directly, but she is at best a glorified secretary that handles all your paper work. But this game's equivalent, the Twin Maidens Hinoa and Minoto, are an immediate improvement. Neither of them give themselves credit for your success (they are rather respectful of your character), and both of them are competent warriors in their own right. Heck, during Rampage Quests (more on those later) you can sometimes summon the Twin Maidens to help you out on the battlefield directly as temporary team mates. And this is on top of taking over all of the Handler's responsibilities from the previous game (so basically secretary stuff).

But what about the gameplay? The gameplay is relatively simple. Explore one of six different locations themed around various biomes, track down whatever monster you were hired to defeat, and take it down. But anyway, Monster Hunter Rise has perhaps the best combat and movement in the entire franchise. All thanks to a new addition, the Wire Bugs. The Wire Bugs are a new tool that all Hunters come with, regardless of their preferred equipment. These critters can be used to swing through the air Spider-Man style, and are the closest thing we'll ever get a traditional jump ability in a Monster Hunter game. If that wasn't a big enough boost to mobility for you, you can also run on walls like a Naruto character. And you can use the Wire Bugs in tandem with the wall running to stay airborne almost indefinitely. Not only does improve mobility so you can find or catch up to your target more quickly, but Wire Bugs also have direct combat applications. 

Every weapon type in the game (more on those in a moment) come with powerful special attacks called Silk-Bind Moves, which are basically the Hunter Arts from Monster Hunter Generations. These moves vary from weapon to weapon, but they are always either incredibly powerful attacks or utility moves that place a buff on the user. For example, Great Swords get Power Sheathe, a Silk-Bind Move that lets you dash forward while putting away your weapon. It also coats your weapon in blue fire, making it deal more damage the next time to pull it out. The Sword 'n' Shield, meanwhile, gets the Windmill, a Silk-Bind Move where you attach the sword to a strand of silk. This allows you turn your sword into a bladed whip, letting you twirl your whip sword around in a 360 degree dome of death. The biggest reason why you want use Silk-Bind moves is the new Wyvern Ride mechanic. Basically, if you attack a monster with a Silk-Bind move (or while airborne) you can build Silk-Bind damage. When this special kind of damage reaches a certain threshold, the monster you are fighting will become stunned. It is here you can hop on a monster's back and ride them like a rodeo, using the Wire Bugs as reins. In addition to looking like an action movie stunt, this lets you temporarily control the monster, and you can ram them into the wall to further weaken your opponent. Or, in the case of hunts with multiple monsters, you can make the monsters fight each other. It's just as awesome as it sounds. But anyway, Silk-Bind Moves consume at least one Wire Bug use (stronger Silk-Bind Moves require more charges). By default you get two Wire Bugs, and they will recharge after a brief delay.

But what about the weapons themselves? There's 14 weapon types in the game, 11 melee and 3 ranged. Each weapon comes with its own unique combos and fighting style, and are the equivalent of classes in more traditional RPG style games. Unlike traditional RPGs you can switch them out at any time (even in the middle of a hunt) so if you don't like how a weapon you chose early on plays, you can always change your mind later. There's no brand new weapon types, but almost every weapon received drastic overhauls in the transition from World to Rise. So I can look past the lack of new weapon types, though I still want that whip-sword from the Monster Hunter manga in the actual games (yes, there's an official manga). And I love all of the new move sets and controls. Like, they made Hunting Horn actually fun to play. The Hunting Horn, for those not familiar with Monster Hunter, is a musical weapon that plays songs to buff teammates. Frequently advertised as a support role. Think of the Bard from Dungeons & Dragons, and the Hunting Horn is similar in concept. I never cared for Hunting Horn myself. It always felt clunky and awkward to me, but I acknowledge that I tend to prefer more aggressive weapons (Sword 'n' Shield, Switch Axe, and Great Sword being my favorites). But Rise tweaked the Hunting Horn's combos, and with the addition of the Silk-Bind attacks, gave the weapon the tools it finally needed to be aggressive. It still plays songs to support allies, obviously. That team-player theme is a core aspect of Hunting Horn's design. But now it plays like a more stylish, musical alternative to the Hammer, which used to be the go-to stunning weapon. It also helps that Hunting Horn has some of the most visually impressive animations in the game, mixing weighty slams with break-dancing and ballet twirls. Basically, Hunting Horn got better while also becoming even more like a D&D Bard.

The only weapon I don't particularly like is the Long Sword. This is a very unpopular opinion. Long Sword has always been the fan-favorite weapon type in the community. And I acknowledge that it is statistically speaking, a good weapon. All the weapons are great, but it takes skill and practice with each one to make it truly excel. The issue I take with Long Sword is that it's a touch over tuned. What do I mean by this? A sloppy, sub-optimal Long Sword user will get similar results to a properly optimized veteran using say, a Great Sword or Hammer. Like, I never feel like I'm doing well when I use a Long Sword, and come away genuinely baffled whenever I manage to kill a boss with one. And the worst thing is I can never figure out what I'm doing wrong. I know how the weapon works. I know how you are intended to use it. But it just doesn't feel good to play. At least with weapons like Great Sword or Hammer, you feel powerful with slow yet might blows that can knock down the strongest of monsters. With weapons like Dual Blades and Bow, you feel a graceful dancer weaving through your opponent's attacks as you whittle them down with lengthy combos. Long Sword just feels like a dork that watched too much anime and is trying too hard to be as cool as the protagonist of said anime. What's worse is the most of Long Sword's damage comes from counter-attacks, and generally, that kind of play style frustrates me.

On a positive note, the bosses! All Monster Hunter games live and die by the quality (and sometimes, the quantity) of the boss battles. After all, Monster Hunter is a franchise where you spend 75% of the time fighting bosses, and the other 15% preparing to fight said bosses. The remaining 10% is spent trying to figure which armor pieces and color pigments would look most fashionable together, for we all know that Fashion is the True Endgame. Tangent aside, Rise has one of the best rosters in the franchise. The only boss here that is disappointing is Jyuratodus, the oversized mudfish from World. They did tweak its boss battle and stats to make more appropriate for a High Rank-exclusive monster (High Rank being the equivalent of Hard Mode). But Jyuratodus still has a boring design, and is still overshadowed by different monsters that handle the concept of a mud-themed monster better. But the good news is that it's not the only Water element monster this time, so we can finally make water element weapons that are actually cool. Such as Almudron, a giant catfish-sea otter. It uses its paintbrush like tail to mold the mud and soil around it, changing the layout of the area and creating pools of acidic mud that burns whoever steps on it. And its weapons and armor have a crazy, sci-fi look to them! The armor especially looks like something that the main hero of a mech anime would wear. At least on male characters. The female version of the armor turns your character into a cyborg catgirl, which is still on the anime spectrum. Just on a different part of it.  

But fear not, dear Hunters-to-be, for you will not face these beasts alone. You can either team up with other players online, or take animal companions called Buddies with you. Buddies come in two varieties, the catlike Palicos, and the doglike Palamutes. The latter is simpler to explain. Palamutes are large dogs that can be ridden like a horse into battle. They attack monsters directly and can be customized with various tools to change their abilities. For example, the Stout Fang tool lets your doggo climb up on a monster's back and place a bear trap on the monster, dealing large amounts of cutting damage and directing the monster's attention away from you and towards your loyal canine. The Palicos is a bit harder to explain since they have a lot more stuff going on. Basically, Palicos are primarily focused on support, though they can deal damage in a pinch. You can pick from one of 5 different classes for your Palicos that change how they behave in combat. Healer, Fighter, Gatherer, Trapper, and Bombardier. All of these are self-explanatory. Or rather, they would be if it wasn't for random generation. You see, only the first and last abilities and attacks a Palico can learn and use is determined by its class. Attacks 2-4 are all selected randomly from a pool of potential abilities. And it is entirely possible to get abilities meant for one class on a Palico of a completely different class. Like getting a healing move on a Fighter. But is it possible to get a Palico that only has the exact abilities you want? Yes. It might take you a long time, since again, these abilities are randomly selected. You could get a Palico with all healing moves, all damage moves, all trapping moves, or any combination thereof. I believe there's over 300 possible combinations, so... Have fun min/maxing!

If I was to make a complaint about Monster Hunter Rise, I would say it felt strangely short in comparison to past games. The first set of credits roll after you slay a samurai-inspired monster called Magnamalo (which coincidentally is the monster on the box art), a boss you can access after just 4-5 hours of playing the game. It's usually tradition to play two different sets of credits, one for each difficulty option, but this is by far the soonest you've ever been able to "beat" a Monster Hunter game. Granted, Rise doesn't have anywhere near as many "filler" hunts as previous games. What do I mean by filler? Hunts that exist to pad out the play time by making you do menial tasks like gathering berries instead of focusing on the fun part of Monster Hunter (the boss battles). Capcom has released free updates to address this, however. Adding in even more bosses, a new ending to the story campaign, and tons of new equipment to craft. So even this criticism is moot if you have downloaded the updates. But on the subject of criticism, I have heard people say this game is too easy compared to the previous games. But I think whether this criticism is valid or not is dependent entirely on your history with the franchise. Because the thing about Monster Hunter is, is that any muscle memory you develop in one game will usually translate into the next game. Monster Hunter Tri was the first Monster Hunter game I played, and I found that game much harder than Rise. But back then, I was a dumb 11-year-old who didn't understand how most of the mechanics worked. Of course Rise is easier in comparison, because I'm now a grown adult that actually knows how the game works. But ultimately, when criticizing a game for lack of difficulty and being easy to the point of boredom, it's important to take your own skills into consideration.

The last major gameplay related topic I want to discuss is the new Rampage Quest. This is a new game mode heavily inspired by the Siege Hunts from the older games. In Rampage Quests, you take command of a stronghold, place down traps and turrets, and prepare for a horde of monsters to charge in. The goal of Rampage Quests isn't to kill a specific monster, but rather, it's to survive for as long as possible. The monsters encountered here are slightly nerfed for the sake of keeping the game actually playable, having much less health and more primitive AI. And as previously mentioned, you can summon one of the named villagers such as the Twin Maidens or Elder Fugen (who is essentially your mentor) to help fight the monsters alongside you. When the game first launched, there was a set of special remixed, buffed up versions of preexisting monsters, known collectively as the Apexes. In most Rampage Quests, the final monster in the horde would be an Apex and indeed, you could only fight Apexes through Rampage Quests. Capcom changed it so you could fight Apexes by themselves in normal hunts. And depending on who you ask, Rampage Quests are either a welcome change of pace from normal hunts, or an annoying and unnecessary tacked on minigame. Me personally, I like the idea of Rampage Quests, but I feel it's too shallow as is. You can unlock temporary upgrades for your stronghold by completing a set of randomly selected optional goals, such as killing a certain number of monsters with a specific weapon, or placing down a certain number of turrets. But I kind of wish you could get permanent upgrades. Imagine if you completed a special hunt for one of the villagers and it allowed them to say, make turrets deal more damage, or give the final gate more health. But as it is, the Rampage Quests are a fun side-activity, but they really need some more fleshing out in future games (because I don't the overhauls I would like would be possible with just updates and DLC) if they are going to be a recurring mechanic. Part of me feels this is going to be a "one and done" thing, like the underwater combat from Monster Hunter Tri.

Monster Hunter Rise is rather interesting when it comes to presentation. While it is, on paper, worse looking than Monster Hunter World because of the power gap between the PS4 and the Nintendo Switch, which means that World has better quality resolution and texturing. However, I find that I prefer the aesthetic of Rise over World. Why? Even though the resolution and textures aren't as good as a PS4 title, the game still carries itself with tons of style and charm. Kamura Village is the most beautiful hub town in any game in the franchise, with its cherry blossom trees reaching overhead and the Japan-inspired architecture populating the central plaza. The weapons and armor have arguably the best, most creative designs in the franchise. From the crazy sci-fi elements of Almudron's gear, to the grotesque and fleshy Khezu gear. The particle effects on things like fire blasts and laser beams now have this exaggerated, almost watercolor look to them. The monsters themselves look amazing. All the brand new monsters are based on Japanese folktales and ghost stories, and they pull the inspiration off in creative ways. Oh, there's a ghost story about haunted umbrellas? Aknosom is a crane that pretends to be an umbrella and uses its wings and crest like a parasol. Old folktale about a vengeful farmer poisoning his descendants' land for not treating his legacy with respect? Almudron is a old, vengeful hermit monster that uses poisons to manipulate the earth.  The returning monsters also received visual tweaks to make them look nicer. Zinogre, one of my all time favorite monsters, now has a brilliant blue glow coming from its eyes and back when it becomes enraged. Khezu is still a horrific leechlike abomination, but now it has pulsing veins all over its skin, making it even more nightmarish. The Apexes have darker colors on their bodies, which make the bright red scars pop out even more. 

 And that's not even counting the little things. Every time the Dango Tea Shop prepares your meal you get a cute cinematic of Yomogi the Chef and her Palicos juggling mochi balls while singing an equally cute song about Dango (a kind of Japanese dumpling that's served on a skewer. Imagine a shish-kabob but with dough instead of meat). The series-standard automated farms in this game are now submarines piloted by your Buddies, and if you're quick enough you can see your submarine crew sailing along the river just behind the Gathering Hub. The game is full of tiny, charming details like this. My point is, this game is charming and lovely in its aesthetic. But my favorite thing about the presentation are the monster intro cinematics. Every time you hunt a new monster species for the first time or visit a new hunting ground, a cinematic will play. These cinematics are done in the style of a Kurosawa film, featuring a grainy filter for that old school feel and using the musical cues that Kurosawa used in his own movies. For those unaware, Akira Kurosawa was a legendary Japanese filmmaker, famous for singlehandedly convincing the rest of the world that Samurai are cool. His influence on cinema can be felt in modern movies to this day. Heck, even Star Wars pulled inspiration from Kurosawa's work. I bring this up because Monster Hunter Rise is very much a love letter to Japanese culture. So the fact that they pay loving homage to one of the most famous Japanese filmmakers in history is amazing. Also, completely unrelated, but this game uses the same graphics engine as the modern Resident Evil games, since Capcom owns both franchises.

The music is amazing. But this game doesn't get a pass for that. All Monster Hunter games have good music. It's just a rule of nature. Birds fly, fish swim, and Monster Hunter has awesome music. But anyway, this game is much more Japan-inspired in its soundtrack than previous games. We got the whole shebang here. Taiko drums? Check. Shamisen? Check. Vaguely Japanese sounding and incredibly tranquil lyrics? Check. And once again, we get a new remix of Proof of a Hero (the theme song from the very first game) when you fight your first Elder Dragon. We still have a more traditional orchestra for returning boss themes. And some of those bosses got remixes to their songs to make the fight more memorable. Zinogre already had one of the best theme songs in the series, and they just make it better by adding an ominous Choir to the theme. Seriously, the first time I fought Zinogre, I just stopped to listen to its theme music because it was that good. I then got slapped in the face by a 300 ton werewolf coated in heavenly thunder (that's the best way to describe Zinogre), because standing still in a mobility-centric game like Rise is practically a death sentence. Point is, Rise has arguably the best music in the series.

In conclusion, Monster Hunter Rise is yet another great installment in a great franchise. It combines the mechanics of World, some brand new stuff, and just a dash of Monster Hunter Generations content. The only real negatives are things that can (and in some cases, have been) be fixed with updates. If you have played Monster Hunter before, well, it's a Monster Hunter game. There's a level of consistency when it comes to the series quality. And for people that are new to Monster Hunter, this is an excellent time to join in. If you were to ask me what I rate this game, I'd say, "Fun isn't something you consider when balancing the universe. But this, does put a smile on my face." in my best Thanos impression. Which is the best rating I can give out, on my scale made entirely out of movie quotes.

P.S. Apologies for vanishing off the Internet for 2 months. I got burned out from the blog, took a break to work on my novel (and play video games), and then realized that I hadn't done anything with the blog in 2 months. Hope this review was worth the wait. 

What your favorite video game says about YOU! Part 3: Return of the King

 Oh hey, it's April First again. You know what that means! Descend into unadulterated paranoia as you lose the ability to tell the difference between April Fool's and the rest of the universe. Well worry not, dear Internet stranger, for there is one consistency of this sadistic holiday. And that is me, telling you what your favorite video games say about YOU.  As before, all of the descriptions are for comedy and are not to be taken seriously under any circumstance. With that being said, let's begin, shall we?

Hyrule Warriors: Age of Calamity; You came for the expanded lore and backstory for Breath of the Wild, and stayed for the inherent power fantasy of cutting down thousands of enemies as your favorite Legend of Zelda characters.

Star Wars: the Old Republic; You always wanted to be a Jedi Knight when you grew up. This game's the closest thing you're gonna get. Or you like playing the classes with no Force powers (Trooper, Bounty Hunter, etc.), just to prove that they can be just as cool as the Jedi. That's what I do.

Stellaris; Either you want to take over the galaxy using the power of FRIENDSHIP, or you want to take over the galaxy with power of REALLY BIG GUNS. No in between.

Pathfinder: Kingmaker; You use this game to test out builds and character concepts for your Dungeons & Dragons campaigns. Bonus points if you actually play Pathfinder Tabletop.

Bendy & the Ink Machine; The Creator lied to you. Also, your favorite food is probably Bacon Soup.

deltarune; You fell in love with UNDERTALE back when that game released, and this is as close as we're gonna get to an UNDERTALE sequel. Also, Lancer is your spirit animal.

No Man's Sky; You always wanted to be an astronaut when you grew up. If only it didn't take three years of constant updates for the game to live up to the space explorer power fantasy, but better late than never, eh?

Cuphead; You're nostalgic for rubber-hose animation. Chances are you will get unreasonably angry if people compare it to Dark Souls just because both games are well-known for their challenging difficulty.

Dauntless; You didn't have enough money to buy a new Monster Hunter game so you're using this Free-to-Play game as a substitute.

Among Us; This game is the reason why you have trust issues. You also (understandably) hate people who use out-of-game communication (like texting or Discord) to reveal the killer's identity before the crewmates can figure it out themselves.

Immortals: Fenyx Rising; You prefer the Greek Mythology flavored version of Legend of Zelda: Breath  of the Wild.

Starbound; "Floran approvesss of your choice in video gamesss, and alssso approvesss of ssstabbing filthy meatbagsss." - A Starbound fan trying to sound like a Floran, probably.

Star Trek Online; You're a Trekkie. …What more do you want me to say? This game is literally a Star Trek fan's paradise. So long as you ignore the price tag on the more exotic ships.

Little Nightmares 2; You're not entirely sure what's going on (to be honest, neither am I). But by golly, you will find the true meaning of this spooky game if it's the last thing you'll do. Even if that means looking up fan theories on Reddit! … So in other words you're the Five Nights at Freddy's fan's distant relative.

Ark: Survival Evolved; This game finally lets you live your childhood dream of riding dinosaurs into battle like a gun-slinging action hero. 

Darkest Dungeon; "Remind yourself that overconfidence is a slow and insidious killer." -A Darkest Dungeon fan using an actual quote from the Narrator that sums up the entire game in a nutshell, probably. 

Monster Hunter Rise; Be honest, you can't bring yourself to go back to the older Monster Hunter games because this game's increased mobility and speed makes hunting monsters so much more enjoyable. Oh, and you probably love Japanese mythology and culture, considering this game is one big love letter to it. 

Raid: Shadow Legends; …You actually like this game? You were sponsored by the devs to promote it, weren't you?

Any LEGO video game; You played these games as a kid and now plan to make your hypothetical future children play these games with you, so you can relive the joy and wonder of your own childhood. 

Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney; You feel the need to yell "OBJECTION!!!" at the top of your lungs when you disagree with people. You also have a hard time explaining the appeal of a game where you play as a lawyer to your friends.

And that'll do it for this year's April Fools. Hope you enjoyed this round of tomfoolery. I couldn't do every game ever, for obvious reasons, but I hope the games I chose (and the descriptions I gave them) gave you a laugh.

The Monster Hunter movie is a thing that exists...

 Monster Hunter is my favorite video game franchise, ever. I've been playing the series since I was 12 years old, and Monster Hunter Rise is conveniently launching a few days after my birthday. And sometime in summer, Monster Hunter Stories is getting a sequel. I've put thousands of hours of playtime down, across all the games. I need to clarify this because today... I throw myself at the live action Monster Hunter movie, directed by Paul W. S. Anderson. A movie that is often considered mediocre at best, and that's before you even consider how (in)accurate the movie is to the source material. Why am I looking at this movie, then? Because I love Monster Hunter and I am contractually obligated to talk about Monster Hunter. (note, I don't really have contractual obligations, this is just a joke)

But before we begin, you know those Monster Hunter games I love so much? Those are still great. In fact, you should go play those games. They are in fact, amazing games, even if they have a somewhat steep learning curve. But would I recommend the movie before playing the games? No. The games are so much better than the movie. But even if you have played Monster Hunter I am still hesitant to encourage people to check out the movie. Because the best way to describe this movie is like a Michael Bay Transformers movie. Lots of cool action scenes, but a borderline nonsensical story. So the quality of your experience is directly proportional to your ability to find ironic enjoyment out of things. 

The Monster Hunter movie begins with a chase scene where a Sand-Ship gets attacked by a Diablos (the big horned creature pictured above). This scene is fine, and even has some cameos from the cast of Monster Hunter World, which I liked. …Then we warp to the real world and get introduced to our real protagonist, Captain Artemis, played by Milla Jovovich (aka Paul Anderson's wife). First off, Jovovich is once again playing a nigh-unstoppable superhero with more plot armor than a Isekai anime protagonist (in fact the whole film feels like an Isekai, but not in a good way). Second of all, this whole movie almost manages to go through its whole runtime without saying the protagonist's name. I kid you not, we're not even told the protagonist's name until the climax of the movie! Just …why did you take so long to reveal the soldier lady's name? And before you ask, no, her name being Artemis isn't relevant to the plot at all. So there was no plot twists or anything that required her name to be hidden. I'll give them points for naming the protagonist after Artemis, the Greek Goddess of the Hunt. Considering this is a Monster Hunter movie, having the protagonist be named after a literal Hunter Goddess is a good choice. It's one of the few genuinely good choices in this movie, but still. You got to look for those silver linings.

Anyway, Captain Artemis' squad gets zapped by lightning and launched into Monster Hunter land because we can't have the ENTIRE movie in Monster Hunter land, no, that's preposterous! What did you think this was, a fun fantasy movie? Well you're WRONG because we need to get United States soldiers in the movie, and last time I checked, the U.S. doesn't exist in Monster Hunter Land! Oh, you wanted the movie to ACTUALLY focus on a professional Monster Hunter? Well too bad, here's a soldier lady. Artemis' squad then gets massacred by Diablos and are forced to retreat into a mountainous canyon area. Also, this is a nitpick, but so much of this movie takes place in a desert region that the scene where Artemis visits an oasis (which is barely 2 minutes long) is just about the only scene in the entire movie with actual plant life. Why is this a big deal? Because in Monster Hunter proper, deserts are few and far between, with only one desert per game (if any). It isn't even a good looking or creatively designed desert. This is a franchise with above-ground coral reefs, ancient shrines to past civilizations, flooded forests and even the still rotting corpse of a monster so huge its dead body counts as an explorable region. Yet all we get is a desert, an oasis, and a zappy sky tower. Like, they somehow picked the most generic areas in the series for the setting. It's almost as if they were cutting corners by using simpler location designs. HMM...

Back on track, most of Artemis' team gets brutally killed off in a sequence that feels more at home in Resident Evil than Monster Hunter. Oh, funny I should mention that. You know who also directed the Resident Evil movies, the same movies that do nothing but disappoint that fandom with their mediocrity? PAUL ANDERSON. Anyway, the few soldiers that survive the Diablos attack are killed by generic spider things that the movie really wants to convince you are supposed to be Nerscylla. But the spiders aren't big enough to be Nerscylla, they seem weak to sunlight (a trait that Nerscylla never showed in the series proper), and these spiders build hives underground and live in large groups, when in the games Nerscylla is a solitary predator. They got the venomous stingers right, and basically nothing else. Heck, they didn't even get the color scheme right. The spiders are almost completely grey in color in this movie, when in the games Nerscylla has bright orange markings on its legs and bright purple spikes on its body. Honestly, if they were going to change so much about Nerscylla just to make them work as the early-game threat they might as well invented a new spider to use just for this movie. 

So our brave soldier lady survives the bootleg Nerscylla swarm because plot armor and meets up with the Hunter. Who's the Hunter? An actual Monster Hunter, in a movie called Monster Hunter! Who would have thought that a Hunter of Monsters would be in movie about Monster Hunting? The Hunter is played by Tony Jaa and is the single best thing in this whole movie. But first we have two, almost back-to-back fight scenes against the only two human characters in the whole movie at this point... Because PLOT. And the whole situation is especially weird because during the second fight, the Hunter falls into a generic spider Nerscylla nest and almost gets eaten. But Artemis, who has been trying to kill the Hunter up until this point, has a change of heart and saves the Hunter's life, because PLOT. And they become friends almost immediately afterwards after they bond over a shared love of Hershey's chocolate, because contractually obligated product placement. Although the reason for them to work together is silly, and the product placement is very on the nose, seeing this hardened soldier lady and this stoic hunter bond over candy is weirdly wholesome. And that's the biggest compliment I'll give to the dynamic. Anyway, Artemis and the Hunter need to cross the desert to reach the big zappy sky tower because PLOT since it's the only way back home, but there's a problem. Diablos is still patrolling around the canyon, and both heroes lack the equipment needed to take down a monster that high up the food chain. …Ignore the fact that Diablos is supposed to be a herbivore and only attacks when provoked, they had to change Diablos into an hyper aggressive predator just for this plot point to work. And at that point you might as well use a different desert monster. Like an actual predator from the desert. Like Nibelsnarf. Honestly I kind of want a version of the movie with Nibelsnarf as the big scary desert monster just so we can see Milla Jovovich and Tony Jaa say "Nibelsnarf" with a straight face. 

So Artemis and the Hunter spend a few days planning for a battle against Diablos, and we get a neat montage of Artemis learning how to Monster Hunter in a movie called Monster Hunter. And she naturally gravitates to using Dual Blades because nothing screams "action hero" like waving a pair of flaming swords. Even though Sword 'n' Shield is better for beginners and if people somehow wanted to try out the games because they thought Artemis was cool, it would make more sense for her to use the simple, easy to understand Sword 'n' Shield over the complicated, resource intensive Dual Blades. Heck, even giving her a Bowgun would make more sense thematically. Up until this point Artemis has been using military firearms to defend herself, and Bowguns are the next logical step, since they are shotguns, mortar launchers, Gatling guns, and sniper rifles rolled into a single weapon. Again, nitpicking, but at this point I have lost all traces of sanity while doing this review, and now take a strange pleasure in nitpicking this one specific movie.

So our duo's grand plan to get past the Diablos is to put it to sleep using a Nerscylla stinger, thus requiring the team to go out and kill a Nerscylla. And I... don't have a problem with this. Yeah, big shocker. But in Monster Hunter proper, you often need to fight a different monster to craft the weapon/armor you need to counter whatever boss you're stuck on. But anyway, Artemis and the Hunter go off to fight Diablos, resulting in the best fight in the whole movie (which admittedly isn't saying a whole lot, since even this fight has problems). Oh, and that poisonous arrow the Hunter and Artemis spent so long making? Diablos just shrugs off the poisonous arrow and keeps fighting like nothing's wrong. And it's not like the shot missed, or didn't get directly into the creature's system, since the arrow landed in its eye. So it kind of just feels like that whole ordeal was filler meant to pad out the film's run time. Like, c'mon man. If you're going to shoot Diablos in the eyeball with a poisonous arrow, and show the shot land in all of its grisly detail, have it actually matter and pay off in the long run. 

Also, in that same fight scene, the Hunter stabs the Diablos in the forehead. …With a Greatsword. Again, nitpicking, but the Greatsword isn't really a stabbing weapon. It's more of a smashing weapon. And because the weapon designs in this movie are all based off of the "bone"-tier weapons, it means that this specific Greatsword's tip is flat, which would make it terrible for stab attacks. This isn't a game accuracy nitpick, this is me pointing out that the design of the sword makes no realistic sense for that kind of attack. Yes, I realize the irony of wanting a 350lb sword made out of monster bones to be used somewhat realistically. But this movie's whole selling point is that it's a more realistic interpretation of the games. So either come up with fight scene choreography that makes sense for the weapon you're using, or redesign the weapon so that cool move you want to use actually makes sense. Also, Artemis using the turret from her squad's half-buried truck is supposed to be an exciting comeback for the heroes, but this also feels like character-stupidity since Artemis saw in the intro that regular bullets can't damage Diablos. So her counting on the turret to finish off the beast feels kind of ridiculous. But anyway, Artemis kills the Diablos, but her new Hunter friend gets knocked unconscious. So Artemis carves out a scale from the now-dead Diablos and uses it as a sled to pull her friend across the desert while he heals up. Once the Hunter recovers, the group reaches an oasis where we get a Rathalos tease (Rathalos being the main mascot of the whole franchise). We also get reunited with the Monster Hunter World crew. …Who then knocks out Artemis and takes her prisoner, after the surprise reveal that the leader of the crew (officially known as The Admiral) can speak English. Oh yeah, the humans native to Monster Hunter land can't speak English and speak almost exclusively in a fictional, made up language. But then they immediately release her once the Hunter tells his buddies that she's cool...? But who cares about that, they put the Meowscular Chef in the movie, and he looks really weird as a pseudo-realistic CGI creature. But he's the second-best thing in the whole movie, because even though they made him look kind of weird and gross, we still get lots of jokes about the inherent absurdity of a manly cat chef.

Anyway, the Admiral gives us a good ole' exposition dump as he explains that the reason everything sucks in Monster Hunter land is because people from the "real" world came in and caused the Ancients, who were keeping everything in check, to die out. …Apparently. Never mind the fact that the ancient civilizations throughout the series were shown (multiple times) to be destroyed by literal gods among beasts. No no, they died out because people from the real world came in and ruined everything, somehow. We get no further elaboration on this. They never say if it was a war, or if it was a plague, just, "Your people came into my world, now everything sucks." Anyway, the Admiral teaches Artemis about Rathalos (who apparently is an "guardian" of the ancient civilization), and from here on out the movie won't stop hyping how much of a threat Rathalos is. And the movie won't stop reminding you about how Rathalos' only weakness is getting hit just before it breathes fire. As opposed to lightning, like in the original games? Speaking of, every single character in the movie seems to use only fire element weapons. At first I thought the fire was the movie's interpretation of Dual Blades' Demon Stance ability, since the pose Artemis strikes to light her swords on fire is the same pose for Demon Stance. But no, they just put fire on all the weapons. When the only boss monster left at this point is canonically immune to fire. It gets even dumber because the post credit scene has the Hunter using a Lightning-infused Insect Glaive, so they clearly had access to other elements, but stuck with fire because "lol, fire swords look cool, bro." And this mentality is especially bad with the Admiral's weapon, a Switch Axe. Throughout the movie's third act, the Admiral fights with a flaming Switch Axe that can shoot out a shockwave of fire to attack from a distance. Switch Axe, in the games, do not have this ability at all. The optimist in me wants to say "Oh, that's just the movie's interpretation of the Zero Sum Discharge attack." (The Zero Sum Discharge is basically a point-blank shotgun-style explosion) But the realist in me wants to say that they literally just invented an ability just for this movie for the sole purpose of cool factor. And cool factor just for cool factor's sake makes the whole thing less cool.

So the hunters head off for the big zappy sky tower to try and close the portals to other worlds. But oh hey, we got a final boss battle first! With none other than the mascot of the whole franchise, the King of the Skies himself, Rathalos! And during the whole fight the Handler (the lady with the goggles) is completely useless! Just like in the games! Points for authenticity! Anyway, halfway through the fight Artemis is warped backed to the real world, and rushed into a chopper by Insert Military Force Here. And here's where we actually get Artemis' name! From a random soldier just casually reading her dog tags. Okay...? Still not sure why they waited so long to tell us the name of the protagonist. But oh no, Rathalos is the real world too, and completely bodies everyone. Artemis survives the rampage because plot armor, and delivers the killing blow by throwing a flare down Rathalos' throat while it charges up a fire blast. But oh wait, it's not actually dead and gets back up again! But also oh wait, the Hunter shows up and saves the day by shooting the fire dragon breathing fire with fire arrows covered in fire. Again, Rathalos is supposed to be immune to fire. It cannot be burned. So the only explanation for the fire arrow is, "lol, fire arrows look cool, bro." And this actually works! Shooting the fire dragon breathing fire with a fire arrow covered in fire is what kills the fire dragon that breathes fire! …Just, why do you not make sense, Monster Hunter movie?

But it's not over yet, dear Internet strangers. Because we got a fight with Gore Magala coming up! Gore Magala, the Xenomorph of the Monster Hunter universe! Bringer of Plagues, Herald of Madness! Surely they'll do this sleek, elegant, hero-killing boss of a monster justice, right? Right!? WRONG! They Amazing Spider Man 2'd Gore Magala and have him exist purely as a sequel tease! That is a cardinal sin of cinematography. You don't just go around Amazing Spider-Man 2'ing your best villain! And Gore Magala just shows up out of nowhere as well. No foreshadowing, no hype, just... Appears. And thus, our story ends an obnoxious cliff-hanger, and with Artemis deciding that she needs to go back to Monster Hunter Land despite finally getting home again. Why? Because PLOT! Also, side note, but throughout the movie, Artemis would pull out a box with a wedding ring inside and kiss the ring. So she's obviously married right? I presume so, but we never see her spouse, and they aren't mentioned at all (Artemis herself never explains why she does this). So... What was up with that?

But you want to know the biggest crime this movie commits? The music. Monster Hunter as a franchise has always had amazing orchestral music, from triumphant horns to thundering drums, to chilling piano notes to shrill violins. One of the reasons to even consider checking out the games is because of the music. And this movie uses... Dubstep. Not even good sounding dubstep. Not even a dubstep remix of songs from the franchise. If the final battle in a Monster Hunter related piece of media does NOT have you blaring some version of Proof of a Hero by the end, you know you done messed up. That's like if My Hero Academia didn't play a version of You Say Run whenever something awesome was about to happen.

Now, I know what you're thinking. "Wow, Spencer hated this movie! He pointed out so much bad stuff in it!" Hear me out. This movie right here, despite it's MANY flaws, does have some positives. The monsters themselves are, with the exception of Nerscylla, accurate in their designs and animations. They may have butchered the behavior, abilities and weaknesses of the monsters, but at least Diablos LOOKS like a Diablos, and at least Rathalos LOOKS like a Rathalos. Though, from my understanding, the monster designs and animations were done by Toho. Otherwise known as the guys who created Godzilla. The action scenes are entertaining, so long as you don't know how to Monster Hunter while watching a movie about Monster Hunting, and enjoy them on surface-level spectacle. And Tony Jaa's character is a delight, partly because his facial expressions and mannerisms are rather endearing. The weapons and armor designs are also accurate to their game counterparts, even if the weapons feel less impressive when you realize that they based the designs off of the default starter weapons the games give you for free. Honestly, the best thing about this movie, which is also its greatest downside, is that they managed to perfectly capture the LOOK of Monster Hunter, but failed to understand how to recreate the FEEL of the franchise. It isn't dark. It isn't gritty. This is a franchise about people building their entire society around regularly-held big game hunts with dinosaurs, dragons, werewolves, spiders, and everything in between. The people here go out and face danger on a almost daily basis with a spring in their step and a smile on their face. And they have talking cats handle their chores, like farming and cooking. Yeah, humanity has to live alongside potential world-ending monstrosities, but they have fun doing so. You never really feel like the hunters in this movie have that level of bravado or excitement for their work.  

The screenshots here on out come from comes from the games, by the way.

But as an exercise in imagination, let's say that we could make our own movie, with visual effects and costume/prop design on par with the movie we got (since this movie does LOOK good). How can we fix this story and make the movie more enjoyable? Assuming we have to use the same monsters as the ones good ole' Mr. Anderson chose, of course. The first change we could do is making Artemis (and her team) native to Monster Hunter land and just skipping all of the real world stuff. This movie is called Monster Hunter, not "Soldier Lady in Monster Hunter Land." Our film could open up with a team of rookie hunters being let loose and allowed to go after their first big monster, Nerscylla. Something in the hunt goes wrong, and Artemis' lover (who for the sake of simplicity will be treated as another hunter in this scenario) gets crippled, injured or killed, depending on how dark we want the story to be. Artemis swears vengeance against this one specific monster (let's say it's Gore Magala because Gore Magala is the perfect final boss monster) that happened to attack her significant other, and travels the land in search of ways to act out her revenge. She meets up with Tony Jaa's character, who takes her under his wing and teaches her some cool techniques and even helps Artemis build up better weapons and armor. Artemis and her friends (in this scenario the team would still be alive) track down Gore Magala's lair and prepare a final confrontation. Maybe have Artemis trick Gore Magala into attacking a formerly docile Diablos or Rathalos so you can have an epic CGI kaiju battle. But Gore Magala is defeated, and Artemis carves off a claw or something to keep as a trophy, as a reminder of her victory and how much pain she went through to get there. Artemis and her hunter team go back to their home village, and they are treated to a hero's feast. The End. Doesn't that sound more engaging than what we got? This is something I came up with on the spot. It's not hard to come up with a decent story in the Monster Hunter universe. Heck, if the movie literally copy-pasted the plot of Monster Hunter Tri (rookie hunter is sent to a backwater coastal village and has to stop unnatural earthquakes from disrupting the ecosystem), Monster Hunter 4 (a team of hunters chase after an elusive plague-bringing beast) or even Monster Hunter World (veteran hunter is hired to protect a team of scholars as they attempt to colonize a newly discovered continent), it would have been better than the plot we got. Heck, the official DLC Event tie in for Monster Hunter World: Iceborne has a better written story than this movie. And that DLC was meant to promote the movie! It's a glorified advertisement! It even fixes some plot holes like "How did the Admiral learn to speak English?" You know your writing is laughably awful if a DLC cross-promotion update has better writing than the entire movie it's promoting. 

So overall, would I recommend the Monster Hunter movie? It's a competent, if barebones and by the numbers action movie that almost completely fails to represent the series it's based on. It would probably be a good time with friends, provided you all had a drink and like nitpicking everything wrong with movies like this one. And the sad thing is you just know this movie is getting a sequel because Paul Anderson knows how to milk a franchise for all it's worth (see the Resident Evil movies for more info). So... There. That's the most negative I've ever gotten in a blog post. And keep in mind, I'm not a negative person! The reason why I usually talk about things I like or hold in high regard is precisely because I prefer talking about things I enjoy. I enjoy Monster Hunter, but this film is wonderful amalgamation of lack of research, bizarre choreography and editing choices, and nonsense writing. Somehow this movie manages to go out of its way to irritate the entire Monster Hunter fandom, up to and including myself. And people outside the fandom are just like "who are these people and why are they complaining about a silly action flick?"

But at least Monster Hunter Rise looks awesome! And Monster Hunter Stories 2 looks cool. So even though the Monster Hunter movie was pretty bad, the games are still worthwhile. So if you somehow saw the Monster Hunter movie and had no prior experience with the series, I'll just say this. I'm sorry. Sorry that your first impression of such an amazing series is a lazy, mediocre action flick written and directed by a man more concerned with making his wife look cool than making quality content. This movie doesn't represent the series. If anything, it's an insult to it. But the good news is this movie underperformed at the box office (can't imagine why), so hopefully all that shameless Gore Magala sequel baiting will age as well as that kissing scene between Luke and Leia in Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back. …And the sad thing is, as bad as this movie is, at least I enjoyed it. Granted, I liked nitpicking everything the movie did wrong more than admiring the things the movie did right, but at least I got some enjoyment out of it. But trust me when I say this, there are movies even worse than this, such as Norm of the North or The Emoji Movie. Those movies are just boring on top of being bad, and it's better, in my opinion, to be entertainingly bad like the Monster Hunter movie than just being boring, because at least you're getting some kind of emotional stimuli. But anyway, hope you enjoyed me spiraling into madness from trying to analyze and overthink a movie that clearly was not meant to be thought about too hard. Now if you excuse me, I'll just be waiting for Monster Hunter Rise to come out, and probably do nothing else except play that game for weeks on end.