What your favorite Pokemon says about YOU! (part 1)

I meant to publish this on April Fool's, but alas, I couldn't finish it in time. But the jokes were too good to pass up. I present you all, dear denizens of the Internet, what your favorite Pokemon says about YOU!

Keep in mind that, as a former April Fool's joke, most of the descriptions are meant to be comedic and harmless, and are in no way intended to offend anybody. But before anyone asks, "What's a Pokemon?" let me tell you. Pokemon is a series of adventures starring preteens leaving home with a handful of magical animal companions called Pokemon as they try to make a living in the big outside world. From foiling criminal organizations, to competing in glorified pet shows, to battling literal gods, you get up all kinds of shenanigans in this colorful universe. Considering that there are 800(!) of these guys, it's impossible to list all of them at once, so this post will cover the original Gen 1 Pokemon. The post after this will cover Generation 2, and so on until all 800 Pokemon are covered. Generations are when the Pokemon was introduced to the series, by the way. Without further delay, let's begin.

Bulbasaur family: You always get picked last for dodge ball, but nobody understands that you're better at dodge ball than everyone else at school.

Charmander family: You were the cool kid growing up, and now your friends treat you like the second coming of Chuck Norris. That, or you've been watching the Pokemon anime series since the 90's.

Squirtle Family: You're a goofball that likes eating pizza and saying "Cowabunga!" whenever you do something impressive.

Butterfree: *sobbing intensely* I'm not crying, you're crying!

Beedrill: You like making jokes about the The Bee Movie. You may or may not like jazz as well.

Pidgeot: You still think Ash letting his Pidgeot go into the wild was the dumbest thing he ever did. 

Rattata: You are in the top percentage of overused rat jokes.

Fearow: You don't actually like Fearow, you prefer Ho-Oh. But you don't have enough money for Pokemon Gold & Silver, so you run with the next best thing.

Ekans family: You like spelling words backwards to see if you can invent brand new words.

Pikachu: You only recently got into Pokemon, so when people ask you "Who's your Favorite?" you immediately default to the one that society collectively recognizes.

Raichu: You were always overshadowed by your siblings as a kid, so you worked twice as hard to be a valued member of the family.

Sandslash: You think putting spikes on everything makes it look inherently cooler. *cough cough* Nergigante *cough cough*

Nidoqueen and Nidoking: You either are a parent yourself, or you want to have kids one day.

Clefairy family: You find the way it chants its name over and over to be weirdly hypnotic.

Ninetales: You are either a classy, sophisticated woman, or you grew up watching Naruto. No in between.

Jigglypuff: You play Super Smash Bros competitively.

Zubat family: You had to wait 10 years before your favorite Pokemon had a purpose beyond "Generic enemy that annoys the player occasionally"

Oddish: You're an *snickers* Oddish fellow! Hey-OH!!!

Vileplume: *singing* You're a vile one, Mr. Grinch. Your heart's an empty hole. Your brain is full of spiders and you've got garlic in your soul, Mr. Grinch. I wouldn't touch you with a 39-and-a-half foot pole!

Paras family: Your favorite video game is probably The Last of Us. That, or you think its cute. One or the other.

Venonat family: You still believe that crazy fan theory that Venonat was meant to be Butterfree's baby form instead of Caterpie.

Diglett family: Same as Clefairy fans, you find the way it sings its name to be weirdly enchanting.

Meowth: You feel bad for Team Rocket's constant blundering and ironically root for them to steal Ash's Pokemon. So basically, your no different from your average He-Man fan.

Psyduck: 80% of your diet consists of headache medicine. You also show to social gatherings at the best, worst times.

Primeape: You think Ash letting his Primeape go to become a championship boxer was the dumbest thing he did.

Arcanine: You like big fluffy dogs. I wish I could, but I am deathly terrified of large dogs. Cats for life!

Poliwhirl family: You needed a Water-Type for your team and you didn't pick Squirtle as your Starter. This is the closest thing your gonna get.

Abra family: You're a simple person. You like sleeping, you like magic tricks, and you like a Pokemon that does both.

Machamp: You've been hitting up the gym 7 hours a day, every day, for the last 20 years.

Bellsprout family: You think "PLANT GANG" jokes are still funny, two years on from their invention.

Tentacool family: You're a kid now, you're a squid now!

Geodude family: You played Geo-cash back when that was a thing. 

Ponyta family: You have fallen so hopelessly in love with the Gen 8 redesign that you've completely forgotten that Ponyta used to be a Fire-Type. Also, insert contractually obligated My Little Pony joke.

Slowpoke family: You are always the last person to hear about important news.

Magnemite family: You played with magnets all the time as a kid. You probably still play with magnets.

Farfetch'd: Zubat fans waited 10 years to be useful. You had to wait twice as long.

Dewgong: You really SEAL the deal, and I ain't (sea) lion.

Muk: If you like this Pokemon and hate Garbodor, you are a hypocrite. No, I am not joking, I'm being serious. Both of them are literally based off of garbage.

Cloyster: Your favorite food is fried oysters. Or fried clam. Really, you just like fancy seafood in general.

Gengar: If you figured out how to evolve a Hanter into a Gengar before the Internet was invented, you were a certified genius.

Onix: You like your snakes like you like your coffee. In a big, tough shell.

Hypno: You creep everyone out, but deep down, you are only trying to help people.

Voltorb: You're the kind of Dungeon Master that makes their Dungeons & Dragons players fight rooms filled with nothing but Mimics.

Exeggutor: At first, you didn't like him. But his redesign in Gen 7 is so hilarious that you can't stop making memes out of it.

Cubone: You liked it because of the cute, slightly creepy design. Then you read its origin story and cried. Now you're emotionally attached to Cubone.

Hitmonlee and Hitmonchan: You love old school martial arts movies, so you love the two Pokemon that embody those kinds of films.

Lickitung: You're gross, but at least you can get to the center of a Tootsie pop.

Weezing: You're spiritually linked to Exeggutor fans. You also like to speak in a painfully fake British accent.

Rhydon: You're the first person to do something, but your achievements get ignored while the popular kids who copied your work get praise. Life ain't fair, man.

Chansey: You carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. A real pillar to the community, and a true patriot. *Salutes while shedding a manly tear as a bald eagle screeches in the distance*

Tangela: You think it looks like spaghetti, which makes you think of The Great Papyrus.

Kangaskhan: You always thought that Australians rode around in giant kangaroo pouches instead of driving cars when you were a kid.

Seadra: *bad Peter B Parker impression* Did you know seahorses mate for life? Can you imagine a seahorse meeting another seahorse and knowing, somehow, that they can make it work out? *heartbreak intensifies*

Seaking: You have a koi fish pond in your Asian-inspired zen garden.

Starmie: With a bunch of legs and a ruby eye, you're the most beautiful star in the sky.

Scyther: It's the only Bug-Type in Gen 1 that's actually cool. So I say you have good taste in Bug-Types.

Jynx: You don't actually like this Pokemon. Who actually likes Jynx? She's basically the Jar Jar Binks of Pokemon. Though for a completely different reason.

Electabuzz: You listen to way too much techno music. Now you can drop beats strong enough to shake the heavens.

Magmar: You listen to way too much rap music. Now you can literally spit fire.

Magikarp: You began life pathetic and useless. But you will not end that way. Through grueling hardships, you have reached the path of inner peace, unleashing your true self upon the world.

Lapras: You wished it got more love. At least it got a unique Giant form in Gen 8.

Ditto: You only got to where you are in life by taking credit for Rhydon fans' hard work. You monster.

Eevee family: You don't know what you want to do when you grow up, but really, who does?

Porygon: You read Polygon articles.

Omanyte family: You watch Twitch in your spare time. PRAISE HELIX!!!

Kabuto: You like it mostly because it shares its name with the best Naruto villain.

Snorlax: You're a large lad, and a pretty chill guy to boot.

The Legendary Birds: You're shockingly chill at getting roasted.

Dragonite: You support your friends any way you can. But no one can help you get over your own inner struggles.

Mew and Mewtwo: You feel bad for Mewtwo's tragic origin story, and you think that Mew is heckin' adorable.

And there's (most of) the original Gen 1 Pokemon, and what they say about you. Good gravy, this was most exhausting project I've ever done. And I have to write seven more of these! It'll be worth it in the end.