The Monster Hunter movie is a thing that exists...

 Monster Hunter is my favorite video game franchise, ever. I've been playing the series since I was 12 years old, and Monster Hunter Rise is conveniently launching a few days after my birthday. And sometime in summer, Monster Hunter Stories is getting a sequel. I've put thousands of hours of playtime down, across all the games. I need to clarify this because today... I throw myself at the live action Monster Hunter movie, directed by Paul W. S. Anderson. A movie that is often considered mediocre at best, and that's before you even consider how (in)accurate the movie is to the source material. Why am I looking at this movie, then? Because I love Monster Hunter and I am contractually obligated to talk about Monster Hunter. (note, I don't really have contractual obligations, this is just a joke)

But before we begin, you know those Monster Hunter games I love so much? Those are still great. In fact, you should go play those games. They are in fact, amazing games, even if they have a somewhat steep learning curve. But would I recommend the movie before playing the games? No. The games are so much better than the movie. But even if you have played Monster Hunter I am still hesitant to encourage people to check out the movie. Because the best way to describe this movie is like a Michael Bay Transformers movie. Lots of cool action scenes, but a borderline nonsensical story. So the quality of your experience is directly proportional to your ability to find ironic enjoyment out of things. 

The Monster Hunter movie begins with a chase scene where a Sand-Ship gets attacked by a Diablos (the big horned creature pictured above). This scene is fine, and even has some cameos from the cast of Monster Hunter World, which I liked. …Then we warp to the real world and get introduced to our real protagonist, Captain Artemis, played by Milla Jovovich (aka Paul Anderson's wife). First off, Jovovich is once again playing a nigh-unstoppable superhero with more plot armor than a Isekai anime protagonist (in fact the whole film feels like an Isekai, but not in a good way). Second of all, this whole movie almost manages to go through its whole runtime without saying the protagonist's name. I kid you not, we're not even told the protagonist's name until the climax of the movie! Just …why did you take so long to reveal the soldier lady's name? And before you ask, no, her name being Artemis isn't relevant to the plot at all. So there was no plot twists or anything that required her name to be hidden. I'll give them points for naming the protagonist after Artemis, the Greek Goddess of the Hunt. Considering this is a Monster Hunter movie, having the protagonist be named after a literal Hunter Goddess is a good choice. It's one of the few genuinely good choices in this movie, but still. You got to look for those silver linings.

Anyway, Captain Artemis' squad gets zapped by lightning and launched into Monster Hunter land because we can't have the ENTIRE movie in Monster Hunter land, no, that's preposterous! What did you think this was, a fun fantasy movie? Well you're WRONG because we need to get United States soldiers in the movie, and last time I checked, the U.S. doesn't exist in Monster Hunter Land! Oh, you wanted the movie to ACTUALLY focus on a professional Monster Hunter? Well too bad, here's a soldier lady. Artemis' squad then gets massacred by Diablos and are forced to retreat into a mountainous canyon area. Also, this is a nitpick, but so much of this movie takes place in a desert region that the scene where Artemis visits an oasis (which is barely 2 minutes long) is just about the only scene in the entire movie with actual plant life. Why is this a big deal? Because in Monster Hunter proper, deserts are few and far between, with only one desert per game (if any). It isn't even a good looking or creatively designed desert. This is a franchise with above-ground coral reefs, ancient shrines to past civilizations, flooded forests and even the still rotting corpse of a monster so huge its dead body counts as an explorable region. Yet all we get is a desert, an oasis, and a zappy sky tower. Like, they somehow picked the most generic areas in the series for the setting. It's almost as if they were cutting corners by using simpler location designs. HMM...

Back on track, most of Artemis' team gets brutally killed off in a sequence that feels more at home in Resident Evil than Monster Hunter. Oh, funny I should mention that. You know who also directed the Resident Evil movies, the same movies that do nothing but disappoint that fandom with their mediocrity? PAUL ANDERSON. Anyway, the few soldiers that survive the Diablos attack are killed by generic spider things that the movie really wants to convince you are supposed to be Nerscylla. But the spiders aren't big enough to be Nerscylla, they seem weak to sunlight (a trait that Nerscylla never showed in the series proper), and these spiders build hives underground and live in large groups, when in the games Nerscylla is a solitary predator. They got the venomous stingers right, and basically nothing else. Heck, they didn't even get the color scheme right. The spiders are almost completely grey in color in this movie, when in the games Nerscylla has bright orange markings on its legs and bright purple spikes on its body. Honestly, if they were going to change so much about Nerscylla just to make them work as the early-game threat they might as well invented a new spider to use just for this movie. 

So our brave soldier lady survives the bootleg Nerscylla swarm because plot armor and meets up with the Hunter. Who's the Hunter? An actual Monster Hunter, in a movie called Monster Hunter! Who would have thought that a Hunter of Monsters would be in movie about Monster Hunting? The Hunter is played by Tony Jaa and is the single best thing in this whole movie. But first we have two, almost back-to-back fight scenes against the only two human characters in the whole movie at this point... Because PLOT. And the whole situation is especially weird because during the second fight, the Hunter falls into a generic spider Nerscylla nest and almost gets eaten. But Artemis, who has been trying to kill the Hunter up until this point, has a change of heart and saves the Hunter's life, because PLOT. And they become friends almost immediately afterwards after they bond over a shared love of Hershey's chocolate, because contractually obligated product placement. Although the reason for them to work together is silly, and the product placement is very on the nose, seeing this hardened soldier lady and this stoic hunter bond over candy is weirdly wholesome. And that's the biggest compliment I'll give to the dynamic. Anyway, Artemis and the Hunter need to cross the desert to reach the big zappy sky tower because PLOT since it's the only way back home, but there's a problem. Diablos is still patrolling around the canyon, and both heroes lack the equipment needed to take down a monster that high up the food chain. …Ignore the fact that Diablos is supposed to be a herbivore and only attacks when provoked, they had to change Diablos into an hyper aggressive predator just for this plot point to work. And at that point you might as well use a different desert monster. Like an actual predator from the desert. Like Nibelsnarf. Honestly I kind of want a version of the movie with Nibelsnarf as the big scary desert monster just so we can see Milla Jovovich and Tony Jaa say "Nibelsnarf" with a straight face. 

So Artemis and the Hunter spend a few days planning for a battle against Diablos, and we get a neat montage of Artemis learning how to Monster Hunter in a movie called Monster Hunter. And she naturally gravitates to using Dual Blades because nothing screams "action hero" like waving a pair of flaming swords. Even though Sword 'n' Shield is better for beginners and if people somehow wanted to try out the games because they thought Artemis was cool, it would make more sense for her to use the simple, easy to understand Sword 'n' Shield over the complicated, resource intensive Dual Blades. Heck, even giving her a Bowgun would make more sense thematically. Up until this point Artemis has been using military firearms to defend herself, and Bowguns are the next logical step, since they are shotguns, mortar launchers, Gatling guns, and sniper rifles rolled into a single weapon. Again, nitpicking, but at this point I have lost all traces of sanity while doing this review, and now take a strange pleasure in nitpicking this one specific movie.

So our duo's grand plan to get past the Diablos is to put it to sleep using a Nerscylla stinger, thus requiring the team to go out and kill a Nerscylla. And I... don't have a problem with this. Yeah, big shocker. But in Monster Hunter proper, you often need to fight a different monster to craft the weapon/armor you need to counter whatever boss you're stuck on. But anyway, Artemis and the Hunter go off to fight Diablos, resulting in the best fight in the whole movie (which admittedly isn't saying a whole lot, since even this fight has problems). Oh, and that poisonous arrow the Hunter and Artemis spent so long making? Diablos just shrugs off the poisonous arrow and keeps fighting like nothing's wrong. And it's not like the shot missed, or didn't get directly into the creature's system, since the arrow landed in its eye. So it kind of just feels like that whole ordeal was filler meant to pad out the film's run time. Like, c'mon man. If you're going to shoot Diablos in the eyeball with a poisonous arrow, and show the shot land in all of its grisly detail, have it actually matter and pay off in the long run. 

Also, in that same fight scene, the Hunter stabs the Diablos in the forehead. …With a Greatsword. Again, nitpicking, but the Greatsword isn't really a stabbing weapon. It's more of a smashing weapon. And because the weapon designs in this movie are all based off of the "bone"-tier weapons, it means that this specific Greatsword's tip is flat, which would make it terrible for stab attacks. This isn't a game accuracy nitpick, this is me pointing out that the design of the sword makes no realistic sense for that kind of attack. Yes, I realize the irony of wanting a 350lb sword made out of monster bones to be used somewhat realistically. But this movie's whole selling point is that it's a more realistic interpretation of the games. So either come up with fight scene choreography that makes sense for the weapon you're using, or redesign the weapon so that cool move you want to use actually makes sense. Also, Artemis using the turret from her squad's half-buried truck is supposed to be an exciting comeback for the heroes, but this also feels like character-stupidity since Artemis saw in the intro that regular bullets can't damage Diablos. So her counting on the turret to finish off the beast feels kind of ridiculous. But anyway, Artemis kills the Diablos, but her new Hunter friend gets knocked unconscious. So Artemis carves out a scale from the now-dead Diablos and uses it as a sled to pull her friend across the desert while he heals up. Once the Hunter recovers, the group reaches an oasis where we get a Rathalos tease (Rathalos being the main mascot of the whole franchise). We also get reunited with the Monster Hunter World crew. …Who then knocks out Artemis and takes her prisoner, after the surprise reveal that the leader of the crew (officially known as The Admiral) can speak English. Oh yeah, the humans native to Monster Hunter land can't speak English and speak almost exclusively in a fictional, made up language. But then they immediately release her once the Hunter tells his buddies that she's cool...? But who cares about that, they put the Meowscular Chef in the movie, and he looks really weird as a pseudo-realistic CGI creature. But he's the second-best thing in the whole movie, because even though they made him look kind of weird and gross, we still get lots of jokes about the inherent absurdity of a manly cat chef.

Anyway, the Admiral gives us a good ole' exposition dump as he explains that the reason everything sucks in Monster Hunter land is because people from the "real" world came in and caused the Ancients, who were keeping everything in check, to die out. …Apparently. Never mind the fact that the ancient civilizations throughout the series were shown (multiple times) to be destroyed by literal gods among beasts. No no, they died out because people from the real world came in and ruined everything, somehow. We get no further elaboration on this. They never say if it was a war, or if it was a plague, just, "Your people came into my world, now everything sucks." Anyway, the Admiral teaches Artemis about Rathalos (who apparently is an "guardian" of the ancient civilization), and from here on out the movie won't stop hyping how much of a threat Rathalos is. And the movie won't stop reminding you about how Rathalos' only weakness is getting hit just before it breathes fire. As opposed to lightning, like in the original games? Speaking of, every single character in the movie seems to use only fire element weapons. At first I thought the fire was the movie's interpretation of Dual Blades' Demon Stance ability, since the pose Artemis strikes to light her swords on fire is the same pose for Demon Stance. But no, they just put fire on all the weapons. When the only boss monster left at this point is canonically immune to fire. It gets even dumber because the post credit scene has the Hunter using a Lightning-infused Insect Glaive, so they clearly had access to other elements, but stuck with fire because "lol, fire swords look cool, bro." And this mentality is especially bad with the Admiral's weapon, a Switch Axe. Throughout the movie's third act, the Admiral fights with a flaming Switch Axe that can shoot out a shockwave of fire to attack from a distance. Switch Axe, in the games, do not have this ability at all. The optimist in me wants to say "Oh, that's just the movie's interpretation of the Zero Sum Discharge attack." (The Zero Sum Discharge is basically a point-blank shotgun-style explosion) But the realist in me wants to say that they literally just invented an ability just for this movie for the sole purpose of cool factor. And cool factor just for cool factor's sake makes the whole thing less cool.

So the hunters head off for the big zappy sky tower to try and close the portals to other worlds. But oh hey, we got a final boss battle first! With none other than the mascot of the whole franchise, the King of the Skies himself, Rathalos! And during the whole fight the Handler (the lady with the goggles) is completely useless! Just like in the games! Points for authenticity! Anyway, halfway through the fight Artemis is warped backed to the real world, and rushed into a chopper by Insert Military Force Here. And here's where we actually get Artemis' name! From a random soldier just casually reading her dog tags. Okay...? Still not sure why they waited so long to tell us the name of the protagonist. But oh no, Rathalos is the real world too, and completely bodies everyone. Artemis survives the rampage because plot armor, and delivers the killing blow by throwing a flare down Rathalos' throat while it charges up a fire blast. But oh wait, it's not actually dead and gets back up again! But also oh wait, the Hunter shows up and saves the day by shooting the fire dragon breathing fire with fire arrows covered in fire. Again, Rathalos is supposed to be immune to fire. It cannot be burned. So the only explanation for the fire arrow is, "lol, fire arrows look cool, bro." And this actually works! Shooting the fire dragon breathing fire with a fire arrow covered in fire is what kills the fire dragon that breathes fire! …Just, why do you not make sense, Monster Hunter movie?

But it's not over yet, dear Internet strangers. Because we got a fight with Gore Magala coming up! Gore Magala, the Xenomorph of the Monster Hunter universe! Bringer of Plagues, Herald of Madness! Surely they'll do this sleek, elegant, hero-killing boss of a monster justice, right? Right!? WRONG! They Amazing Spider Man 2'd Gore Magala and have him exist purely as a sequel tease! That is a cardinal sin of cinematography. You don't just go around Amazing Spider-Man 2'ing your best villain! And Gore Magala just shows up out of nowhere as well. No foreshadowing, no hype, just... Appears. And thus, our story ends an obnoxious cliff-hanger, and with Artemis deciding that she needs to go back to Monster Hunter Land despite finally getting home again. Why? Because PLOT! Also, side note, but throughout the movie, Artemis would pull out a box with a wedding ring inside and kiss the ring. So she's obviously married right? I presume so, but we never see her spouse, and they aren't mentioned at all (Artemis herself never explains why she does this). So... What was up with that?

But you want to know the biggest crime this movie commits? The music. Monster Hunter as a franchise has always had amazing orchestral music, from triumphant horns to thundering drums, to chilling piano notes to shrill violins. One of the reasons to even consider checking out the games is because of the music. And this movie uses... Dubstep. Not even good sounding dubstep. Not even a dubstep remix of songs from the franchise. If the final battle in a Monster Hunter related piece of media does NOT have you blaring some version of Proof of a Hero by the end, you know you done messed up. That's like if My Hero Academia didn't play a version of You Say Run whenever something awesome was about to happen.

Now, I know what you're thinking. "Wow, Spencer hated this movie! He pointed out so much bad stuff in it!" Hear me out. This movie right here, despite it's MANY flaws, does have some positives. The monsters themselves are, with the exception of Nerscylla, accurate in their designs and animations. They may have butchered the behavior, abilities and weaknesses of the monsters, but at least Diablos LOOKS like a Diablos, and at least Rathalos LOOKS like a Rathalos. Though, from my understanding, the monster designs and animations were done by Toho. Otherwise known as the guys who created Godzilla. The action scenes are entertaining, so long as you don't know how to Monster Hunter while watching a movie about Monster Hunting, and enjoy them on surface-level spectacle. And Tony Jaa's character is a delight, partly because his facial expressions and mannerisms are rather endearing. The weapons and armor designs are also accurate to their game counterparts, even if the weapons feel less impressive when you realize that they based the designs off of the default starter weapons the games give you for free. Honestly, the best thing about this movie, which is also its greatest downside, is that they managed to perfectly capture the LOOK of Monster Hunter, but failed to understand how to recreate the FEEL of the franchise. It isn't dark. It isn't gritty. This is a franchise about people building their entire society around regularly-held big game hunts with dinosaurs, dragons, werewolves, spiders, and everything in between. The people here go out and face danger on a almost daily basis with a spring in their step and a smile on their face. And they have talking cats handle their chores, like farming and cooking. Yeah, humanity has to live alongside potential world-ending monstrosities, but they have fun doing so. You never really feel like the hunters in this movie have that level of bravado or excitement for their work.  

The screenshots here on out come from comes from the games, by the way.

But as an exercise in imagination, let's say that we could make our own movie, with visual effects and costume/prop design on par with the movie we got (since this movie does LOOK good). How can we fix this story and make the movie more enjoyable? Assuming we have to use the same monsters as the ones good ole' Mr. Anderson chose, of course. The first change we could do is making Artemis (and her team) native to Monster Hunter land and just skipping all of the real world stuff. This movie is called Monster Hunter, not "Soldier Lady in Monster Hunter Land." Our film could open up with a team of rookie hunters being let loose and allowed to go after their first big monster, Nerscylla. Something in the hunt goes wrong, and Artemis' lover (who for the sake of simplicity will be treated as another hunter in this scenario) gets crippled, injured or killed, depending on how dark we want the story to be. Artemis swears vengeance against this one specific monster (let's say it's Gore Magala because Gore Magala is the perfect final boss monster) that happened to attack her significant other, and travels the land in search of ways to act out her revenge. She meets up with Tony Jaa's character, who takes her under his wing and teaches her some cool techniques and even helps Artemis build up better weapons and armor. Artemis and her friends (in this scenario the team would still be alive) track down Gore Magala's lair and prepare a final confrontation. Maybe have Artemis trick Gore Magala into attacking a formerly docile Diablos or Rathalos so you can have an epic CGI kaiju battle. But Gore Magala is defeated, and Artemis carves off a claw or something to keep as a trophy, as a reminder of her victory and how much pain she went through to get there. Artemis and her hunter team go back to their home village, and they are treated to a hero's feast. The End. Doesn't that sound more engaging than what we got? This is something I came up with on the spot. It's not hard to come up with a decent story in the Monster Hunter universe. Heck, if the movie literally copy-pasted the plot of Monster Hunter Tri (rookie hunter is sent to a backwater coastal village and has to stop unnatural earthquakes from disrupting the ecosystem), Monster Hunter 4 (a team of hunters chase after an elusive plague-bringing beast) or even Monster Hunter World (veteran hunter is hired to protect a team of scholars as they attempt to colonize a newly discovered continent), it would have been better than the plot we got. Heck, the official DLC Event tie in for Monster Hunter World: Iceborne has a better written story than this movie. And that DLC was meant to promote the movie! It's a glorified advertisement! It even fixes some plot holes like "How did the Admiral learn to speak English?" You know your writing is laughably awful if a DLC cross-promotion update has better writing than the entire movie it's promoting. 

So overall, would I recommend the Monster Hunter movie? It's a competent, if barebones and by the numbers action movie that almost completely fails to represent the series it's based on. It would probably be a good time with friends, provided you all had a drink and like nitpicking everything wrong with movies like this one. And the sad thing is you just know this movie is getting a sequel because Paul Anderson knows how to milk a franchise for all it's worth (see the Resident Evil movies for more info). So... There. That's the most negative I've ever gotten in a blog post. And keep in mind, I'm not a negative person! The reason why I usually talk about things I like or hold in high regard is precisely because I prefer talking about things I enjoy. I enjoy Monster Hunter, but this film is wonderful amalgamation of lack of research, bizarre choreography and editing choices, and nonsense writing. Somehow this movie manages to go out of its way to irritate the entire Monster Hunter fandom, up to and including myself. And people outside the fandom are just like "who are these people and why are they complaining about a silly action flick?"

But at least Monster Hunter Rise looks awesome! And Monster Hunter Stories 2 looks cool. So even though the Monster Hunter movie was pretty bad, the games are still worthwhile. So if you somehow saw the Monster Hunter movie and had no prior experience with the series, I'll just say this. I'm sorry. Sorry that your first impression of such an amazing series is a lazy, mediocre action flick written and directed by a man more concerned with making his wife look cool than making quality content. This movie doesn't represent the series. If anything, it's an insult to it. But the good news is this movie underperformed at the box office (can't imagine why), so hopefully all that shameless Gore Magala sequel baiting will age as well as that kissing scene between Luke and Leia in Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back. …And the sad thing is, as bad as this movie is, at least I enjoyed it. Granted, I liked nitpicking everything the movie did wrong more than admiring the things the movie did right, but at least I got some enjoyment out of it. But trust me when I say this, there are movies even worse than this, such as Norm of the North or The Emoji Movie. Those movies are just boring on top of being bad, and it's better, in my opinion, to be entertainingly bad like the Monster Hunter movie than just being boring, because at least you're getting some kind of emotional stimuli. But anyway, hope you enjoyed me spiraling into madness from trying to analyze and overthink a movie that clearly was not meant to be thought about too hard. Now if you excuse me, I'll just be waiting for Monster Hunter Rise to come out, and probably do nothing else except play that game for weeks on end.

The Art of making an awesome Video Game Boss Battle

 One concept of game design almost as old as video games themselves is the boss battle. It's exactly what it sounds like. Throw a super tough enemy at a relatively competent player, and let them fight. But what makes for a "good" boss battle? Well strap in, ladies and gentlemen, because this is the post where I talk about boss battles. A fair warning before we begin. Given the nature of some of the bosses, beware of mild-to-extreme spoilers for the games I use as examples. Oh, and all thoughts shared here are my opinion, so agree to disagree. Or agree in general. I'm not the boss of you. See what I did there? …Let's just move on.

One factor that separates bosses from regular enemies is the spectacle of the fight. Pretty much every boss from The Wonderful 101 (or really, ANY Platinum Game) has tons of style and flair. The first boss of that game, for example, is a giant three-headed cyborg dragon controlled by an 20-foot-tall alien swordsman named Laambo. The fight begins with a aerial chase scene through Blossom City (which is the main setting for the game), trying to shoot down the dragon while dodging its own attacks. After that you climb up on to the dragon's back to fight both it and Laambo in melee range. The whole fight makes liberal use of the Unite Morph ability, which lets the titular superhero team create giant tools and weapons to fight with (guns, whips, hammers, etc.).

The fight ends with a free-fall chase scene as the dragon harasses you with charge attacks. To finish the fight, your team Unite Morphs into a giant hand that steals Laambo's sword, then chops both Laambo AND his dragon in half with a single blow. While still in free fall! This fight is spectacular, over-the-top and just plain fun. And this is just the first boss! From boxing matches with mountain-sized mechs, to duels with space pirates that can mimic your every move, to a final showdown with a sentient planet from the future, the bosses in Wonderful 101 get increasingly absurd. Honestly, if you never played that game, play for the bosses. They're great.

For another series with great boss battles, The Legend of Zelda, developed and published by Nintendo, has literal decades' worth of examples. Most bosses in this series showcase another aspect of boss battle design. Figuring out weaknesses to exploit. Usually the boss will be susceptible to whichever tool Link (the main hero of Legend of Zelda) most recently acquired. There are exceptions, of course. The duels with Ghirahim from Skyward Sword are based around swordsmanship, and how precise and unpredictable you can keep Link's attacks (just swinging your sword willy-nilly will result in Ghirahim countering you).

 And of course, bosses in this series usually have a specific part on their body that deals extra damage if struck (in most cases, this is the ONLY way to deal damage). Nine times out of ten the weak spot is an unusually large eye, but exceptions do exist. Ganon can only be damaged in his tail, for example. Usually the weak spot is a bright, distinct color to make it more obvious. But of course, bosses with specific weak spots usually defend themselves pretty well, forcing Link to find a creative way to expose or attack the weak spot. Because of this, weak-spot bosses are kind of like puzzles. Living, breathing puzzles that want to kill you, but puzzles nonetheless.

Some games try to hype up the danger and threat a certain boss creature poses. One of my favorite methods for doing this is having you encounter the boss while you're too weak to fight back properly, forcing you to run and hide until you get stronger. Pretty much any horror game with boss battles does this. Why do I like this trope? Because putting that boss in its place after getting chased around a bunch is really dang satisfying. So what's a good example of this kind of boss? To answer that, let's take a look at a major boss from yet another Nintendo series, Metroid.

In Metroid: Fusion, the legendary bounty hunter Samus Aran (pictured above, on the right) encounters the SA-X, an alien doppelganger that stole all her weapons and armor from the previous Metroid game, Super Metroid. Anyway, the SA-X is encountered multiple times throughout the adventure, and is more than strong enough to take Samus down with just a single shot. Whenever the SA-X shows up. you're given three choices; Run away, hide, or die. That is, until you get the Plasma Beam, the one weapon that can fight back against this monstrosity. Every encounter you have with the SA-X until then is bound to be filled with terror as you try to avoid getting caught out in the open. I should mention that Metroid series as a whole has some great bosses, but the SA-X is probably the most terrifying of the bunch because of how helpless you feel every time you bump into it.

Of course, spectacle and atmosphere don't matter much if the bosses are mechanically underwhelming. The Batman Arkham series, developed by Rocksteady Studios, has a ton of creative bosses that not only have spectacle appropriate for Batman's Rogues Gallery, but most of those bosses also have some unique mechanics that make them stand out. The Scarecrow fight from Arkham Asylum has Batman getting hit with Fear Gas, causing him to hallucinate a freaky nightmare realm. To break free he must sneak past a giant Scarecrow and shine the Bat-Signal's light on him. It's freaky, but incredibly creative. The Killer Croc fight involves Batman sneaking around in a sewer system, trying to make as little noise as possible while laying traps to weaken Killer Croc. A boss fight so intense they reused it in the sequel, this time with a great white shark. The final boss of Arkham City has Batman take down swathes of Clay Face clones using a katana sword. Just the idea of Batman fighting with a katana is hilariously over-the-top that it wraps around to being completely awesome. But speaking of Arkham City bosses...

My favorite boss battle in the whole series is in the second game, Arkham City. I am of course referring to Mr. Freeze. In this fight, Mr. Freeze is too strong to fight directly. So Batman must use every stealth trick and gadget in his arsenal just to make a dent in this guy's armor. Every combat mechanic in the game is put to use here, from backstabs, to explosive mines, to Batarang trick shots. What's more, Mr. Freeze will update his suit to counter whichever method damaged him previously, forcing you to adapt and change your tactics. And any boss that forces the player to adapt and change tactics is, in my eyes, an amazing boss battle. Honestly, as much as I love seeing Batman fight with a samurai sword, Mr. Freeze would make for a great final boss in his own right. At least from a gameplay perspective. From a story perspective, obviously not. Do you really think that they would have a Batman game that doesn't have a final showdown with the Joker?

Some bosses have additional rules to how they work. Usually with the goal of making the boss harder. For example, most of the bosses in Re-Digit's Terraria require you to track down an item to summon them, and some of these items only work at certain hours of the day. The Twins for example can only appear at night, the Eater of Worlds can only appear in the Corruption (the spooky purple area). Some bosses will straight up refuse to spawn until another boss has been defeated, such as how the Machines won't appear at all until you reach Hard Mode. Attempting to fight these bosses without the proper requirements will either prevent the boss from appearing or even make the boss battle harder, like how The Empress of Light gets a one-hit kill move if fought during the day.

Terraria bosses are unique in the sense that their difficulty is almost directly proportional to the amount of preparation you did beforehand. And I'm not just talking about getting better weapons and armor, that rule goes for any game with gear-based progression. No, what I'm talking about is Terraria's building mechanics. You can build some cool looking houses for your NPC villager friends, or works of art to show off to your real life friends. But most importantly, you can build custom arenas that give you a distinct advantage over the boss you're trying to defeat. Common strategies in arena building include setting up pools of healing honey (yes) throughout the arena so you're never too far away from an emergency heal bath, or building a platform so high up certain bosses like King Slime and the Eater of Worlds can't reach you (letting you pelt the boss with ranged attacks). Some people even set up crazy minecart rails that let you literally drive circles around certain bosses. Basically, Terraria allows you to give yourself the homefield advantage with it's building system, and I haven't really seen a game do something like that before. 

Then we get to Team Cherry's Hollow Knight, which is (surprise) another example of awesome boss battles. The bosses here are based around finding patterns and openings in your opponents' attacks, and behaving accordingly. The interesting thing about Hollow Knight's bosses is that not only are most of them optional, the game's most challenging bosses (Nightmare King Grimm, the Pure Vessel, Nail Master Sly, etc.) are completely skippable. In fact, the only bosses that are mandatory for progression are Hornet, Uumuu, The Watcher Knights, and the Hollow Knight himself. Additionally, even though some bosses have higher difficulty spikes than others, not a single boss in this game feels unfair or poorly balanced. Which is yet another important aspect of boss battle design. No matter how hard a boss is, it has to feel fair. An unfair, overpowered boss is going to make the player want to quit. A challenging but fairly balanced boss is going to make the player keep going on, because they can tell the fight is winnable, and that victory is just out of reach. And with enough practice, they'll conquer everything the game has to offer.

But of course, no discussion on boss battles is complete without mentioning the Souls Borne series. Otherwise known as From Software's greatest hits album. In this series your character is given the task to hunt down a whole assortment of nightmarish, grotesque monsters. Why? Because you can't have a Dark Fantasy adventure without some eldritch horrors to smack around (or get smacked around by). But that's not the point. The point is, you fight a lot of bosses. And while this series has a reputation for its difficulty, there are ways to make certain bosses easier on yourself. Several bosses throughout the series have a trick you can pull off just before entering the arena that makes the whole ordeal more bearable. For example, the battle against the Lost Sinner from Dark Souls 2 normally has you stumbling blindly in the dark while the Sinner takes potshots at you with her greatsword. But if you have a torch, you can light up a pair of oil lanterns just outside the Lost Sinner's hideout, illuminating the room and removing the Sinner's stealth advantage. Granted, they sometimes go so far with the "here's a neat thing you can do to weaken a boss before fighting it" idea that sometimes a boss is literally invincible until you find that trick *cough cough* Mytha the Baneful Queen. *cough cough* But we're here for GOOD boss battles, and Mytha is just one dud in a franchise of awesome bosses.

 Additionally, almost every boss in the series allows you to bring a group of phantoms with you into the boss's lair. These phantoms can be anything from friendly NPCs or even other players' characters, and make the fight easier simply because the boss needs to split its attention evenly between everyone involved. Sometimes the phantoms might be even more powerful than your own character. Especially if that phantom is named Jester Thomas. But anyway, two Souls Borne games in particular have something I adore. Transforming bosses! You see, in Bloodborne and Dark Souls 3 the bosses would transform when their health got low, changing their attacks and boosting their stats. This does make the bosses harder, but there is something distinctly awe inspiring about forcing a big bad evil guy to reveal his true form because he underestimated you. Yes, I acknowledge that Souls Borne didn't invent the concept of transforming bosses, but they handle the idea very well, in my opinion. But most importantly, every boss here has a story to tell. From a giant wolf guarding their master's grave for as long as they live, to a preacher-turned-werewolf hunter too blinded by revenge to realize that he became the very beast he swore to destroy. Almost every boss in Souls Borne is the hero of their own, usually tragic, story. Of course, given the ambiguous, non-linear nature of this series, the lore can be safely ignored if all you want to do is fight horrific abominations while feeling like a superhero.

But that brings us to Capcom's Monster Hunter. In this series the bosses (of which there are many) are wild animals, and your character uses the bones, fur, and scales of defeated Monsters to forge better quality weapons and armor. Why? So you can fight even bigger and stronger monsters, working your way up the monster food chain until you prove you are the greatest Monster Hunter who ever lived. It's a pretty simple concept. That's not the point though. The point is, you often have to fight the same boss repeatedly to get the exact materials you need for your next major project. And an interesting thing occurs when you do this. As you get used to a monster's attacks and combos, you figure out the most efficient way to avoid them. You figure out what body parts to attack first to inflict Breaks, which weaken certain attacks. You figure out that some monsters take more damage from certain elements (Fire, Ice, Lighting, etc.) than others. And before you know it, much like with Hollow Knight's best bosses, you enter a kind of zen state (for lack of a better term), weaving through a Monster's attacks, and striking them down when the opportunity presents itself. It's especially cathartic if that kind of monster has been curb-stomping you until the winning strategy finally clicked. It's a beautiful thing to witness, and that sensation is the reason why Monster Hunter is my favorite video game series of all time. That, and the fact that you get to customize your own kitty cat sidekick. And the awesome music as well. While having awesome music is not necessarily a requirement for a good boss battle, it certainly helps. 

So, in conclusion, boss battles can prove to be the highlights of a video game experience. Testing your skills, expanding the story, or guarding valuable treasure. Bosses fulfill all these roles and more. And sometimes, if you are really good at making boss battles, you can build entire games centered around them. So now you know the Art of making a video game boss battle. According to a funny Internet Florida man. On a very subjective topic. But anyway, have a favorite boss battle? Feel free to share it with the rest of the Internet. What could go wrong?

Rubber Hose Horror! Bendy and the Ink Machine Review

Cartoons. A part of our culture since 1934, and still advancing as a medium to this day. Cartoons have a reputation for being sweet, innocent, and child friendly. But can you turn something fun and uplifting, into something creepy and disturbing? That's the question posed by 2017's indie horror game Bendy and the Ink Machine. Developed by Joey Drew Studios and published by Rooster Teeth Games, Bendy and the Ink Machine has a simple concept. 30's era cartoons, but freakier. This game was originally developed by exactly two people, and it was a breakout success, getting two spin-off games as well as a direct sequel titled Bendy and the Dark Revival (currently planned to release some time in 2021). Why was it so successful? It's a horror game made by a small dev team in a post- Five Nights at Freddy's world. Fans of that series will naturally see similar games and check them out while waiting for the next big FN@F game. But even if it owes much of its success to FN@F, it still does enough things differently to stand on its own. 

Our story follows an elderly man named Henry Stein, who used to be an animator and cartoonist for a company called Joey Drew Studios (not to be confused with the real life dev team that made the game, they thought it would be funny to name their company after a fictional company within the game's lore and setting). But in this universe, Joey Drew Studios got shut down thanks to overambitious projects with no payoff and Joey Drew (the CEO of the company) repeatedly putting his employees in dangerous and unhealthy working conditions. One day, Henry receives a letter from Joey Drew himself, inviting him back to the old workshop because he "wanted to show him something." So Henry descends back to his old workplace, only to find it abandoned and falling into ruin. While exploring the facility, Henry activates a device called the Ink Machine, which seems to be able to create living creatures whose bodies are made entirely out of ink. Unfortunately, one of those creatures is Bendy, a demon obsessed with violently murdering anything too slow to get out of the way. Henry tries to escape Bendy's rampage, but falls deeper into the studio, and now has to fight tooth and nail to escape the eldritch terrors lurking within.

It's worth noting that when Bendy and the Ink Machine was first released, it had an episodic structure. The game's Chapters would be released one at a time throughout the year, meaning that if you played the game back when Chapter 1 was released, the game was by design incomplete. Additionally, every time a new Chapter was released, the previous Chapters would get updated and modified, partly to fit community feedback and partly to increase the overall quality of the game. Seriously, look at how much Chapter 1 has changed since its original release. It looked like a tech demo initially, but now has the same level of polish as the more recent Chapters. All five Chapters have been released, and the console ports (which I played) include all five Chapters in one package without the need to download each one separately. The console ports run surprisingly well, aside from a few overlong loading screens (they can take anywhere between 45 seconds to a whole minute, which doesn't sound like a lot but that's a whole minute of doing nothing but waiting). If you have a high-quality PC, the load times might be better, but I refuse to play PC if there is a decent console port readily available.

Bendy and the Ink Machine has a simple gameplay loop. You control Henry as he moves from room to room, solving puzzles and fending off the weaker ink monsters while hiding from Bendy himself. Bendy is invincible and cannot be killed at all, so it's better to avoid him. The puzzles Henry has to solve can be as simple as flipping a few levers, to as complicated as figuring out which order to play a set of musical instruments in order to produce the correct song. The combat is a little barebones but perfectly serviceable. Henry will sometimes have a melee weapon such as a hatchet or crowbar that he can use to clobber foes at close range. There's also a secret Tommy Gun, which is for obvious reasons the best weapon in the entire game. It's a pain to unlock, but depending on who you ask it might be worth it. My harshest criticism about the combat is that the melee weapons have a deceptively small hitbox, making it hard to tell how close you need to be to actually hit a monster. Aiming the Tommy Gun and throwing soup cans as a distraction is fine and works as intended, it's only melee weapons that have this problem. You get used to the weapons after a while, but it can be a little off putting at first. That said, I do prefer the sections where you have to use stealth to get past enemies over fighting them directly, since it's clear that the dev team put more effort into the stealth mechanics.

Each Chapter puts focus on a specific area and theme as you progress. Chapter 1 is by far the shortest, being able to be finished in 15-20 minutes. The Chapters get progressively longer, though the game's run time as a whole is about 9-10 hours. Chapter 1 is also the simplest. In it, Henry has just entered the building and, aside from the mutilated corpse of a cartoon wolf lying on a surgery table, the place seems to be relatively normal. We find some cassette tapes left by former employees, where they voice their concerns as Joey Drew's ambition and greed starts becoming self-destructive. We also get our first look at Bendy himself, both in the form of cutesy cardboard cutouts, and in person. And I adore the design of Bendy's monster form (pictured above). The Ink dripping down and obscuring most of the face save for a unnatural, toothy grin is unsettling, and the mismatched proportions and limping walk make Bendy look like he's in pain. But then again, almost every ink monster here have macabre designs and twisted, painful looking anatomy. And these designs are grotesque in the best way possible. The monsters here don't look like anything else in the genre, and it helps to give the game a unique identity.

Chapter 2 has Henry descend into the Music Department, and we get the introduction of Sammy Lawrence. Sammy used to be Joey Drew's music composer and songwriter, but was mutated by the Ink Machine into a faceless man with a Bendy mask. His new form didn't do much for his sanity, and he went from a grumpy, but talented songwriter to an insane cultist worshipping Bendy as a god. On the subject of Chapter 2, I positively love it. The puzzles were creative, we got interesting lore on Joey Drew's relationship with his employees, we got a cameo (in the form of a cassette tape) from a character named Susie Campbell, who will be important later. It's also our introduction to the combat system.

Chapter 3 is rather contentious among Bendy fans. Some people love it, some people hate it. In this Chapter, Henry teams up with Boris the Wolf, the only ink creature so far that's actually benevolent. There's not much to say about Boris. His design is clearly inspired by Disney's Goofy the Dog. We saw his mutilated corpse back in Chapter 1, though we later learn that there are multiple Boris the Wolves running around. Granted, most of them are dead, and the one travelling with Henry seems to be the only one left alive. But how did they all die? Because of Susie Campbell, who in-universe was a voice actress for Alice Angel, one of Joey Drew's cartoon characters meant to be a female counterpart to Bendy. Susie, much like Sammy, has been mutated by the Ink Machine, and is now a disgusting perversion of the role she once played. She views herself as being literally Alice Angel, and not just an actress. Naturally, the knowledge that Joey Drew hired a replacement actress damaged her mind even further. On top of this, she's been vivisecting other ink creatures, taking their vital organs and using them to preserve and repair her own unstable body. In case it wasn't obvious, Susie is the most insane creature in the entire studio, and might be more dangerous than Bendy himself.

The main reason why Chapter 3 is so polarizing is because early on in the Chapter, Susie strikes a deal with Henry. He must do a variety of tasks for Susie, and she will let him use the elevator in the central complex to escape the studio. The bulk of the Chapter is spent doing Fetch Quests for Susie (where she tells you to go somewhere, grab an item, and come back), some of which seem arbitrary. Seriously, you have to do six different Fetch Quests, with the only thing breaking them up is a single combat segment against some ink monsters called the Butcher Gang. Most of the Fetch Quests aren't that exciting either, with the only real challenge being periodic visits from Bendy requiring you to hide in outhouse-like booths scattered throughout the complex. I did however really like when you went down to the flooded basement and had to navigate through a maze while a super strong boss called the Projectionist hunted you (unlike Bendy, the Projectionist can be killed, but doing so is a long and arduous process). I also loved this early segment where Henry and Boris had to work together as a team to progress, and I honestly wish we got more of that. But overall, I feel like they should have shortened the Fetch Quests, or at least throw in some unique sequences to break it up more. In a perfect world, the whole chapter would be Henry and Boris working together while being pursued by both Susie and Bendy. This isn't a bad Chapter, but it does feel like it overstayed its welcome, and the whole idea of teaming up with Boris is woefully underutilized.

Chapter 4 might be my favorite. In this Chapter, Susie betrays Henry and kidnaps Boris, and Henry has to move through an unfinished amusement park to save him. There isn't a Fetch Quest in sight here, and the puzzles and boss battles get really creative and fun in this Chapter. You also get a rematch against the Projectionist, only this time, you don't have any weapons to defend yourself, making stealth mandatory for survival. We also get the introduction of a crafting mechanic in this Chapter, where you can take ink blobs and put them into these special slot machines. The slot machines can make anything from extra weapons (though Henry can only carry one weapon at a time) to pipes and gears to fix machinery. I like the idea behind it, and my favorite boss battle in the whole game (which I won't spoil) uses the crafting machines in some clever ways. We also learn in this Chapter (through more cassette tapes) Joey Drew's famous speeches throughout the game about dreaming big and pursuing your goals were fake, and that he's been lying to his own employees about everything. Also, one of the cassette tapes reveals that Bendy was originally docile, and only became violent after being locked in Joey's basement for over 30 years. At this point, it's obvious that Joey Drew was a total scumbag.

Chapter 5 is the grand finale, and for the most part, I liked it a lot. Not as much as Chapters 2 or 4, but definitely a step up from Chapter 3. Anyway, in this Chapter, Henry must team up with a pair of friendly ink creatures named Allison and Tom for one last showdown against Bendy (and Sammy's cult). Allison was actually the replacement actress that put Susie out of a job, and though she was altered by the Ink Machine, she wasn't as heavily mutated as the rest of the staff. Tom is literally just one of the many Boris the Wolf clones, but with a gruff, no-nonsense attitude. Anyway, in this Chapter we get to use the Seeing Tool, a device that reveals hidden messages. Without spoiling things too much, once you beat the game, you can keep the Seeing Tool, bring it back with you to Chapters 1-4 and use it find all sorts of Easter Eggs and secrets.

We get one last showdown against Bendy, and we are treated to a delightfully confusing Twilight Zone style ending, which I won't spoil here. The only part of Chapter 5 that I didn't like was this one section where you have to sneak past the Butcher Gang (again) in the Administration area. For context, you have no means of defending yourself. No hatchets, crowbars, or Tommy Guns. Not even any soup cans to use as a distraction. You have to navigate a claustrophobic maze as you work towards Joey Drew's office, then steal a blob from an ink fountain nearby, and sneak your way back. You have to do this three times to get enough ink to craft the pipes needed to drain out the flooded hallway and progress further. Honestly I feel like they should have shortened this puzzle to needing only one trip, because just getting to the office and back to the beginning of the maze once is a long, time consuming process. And that's before considering you spend a good chunk of your time in the maze hiding in closets and side rooms, waiting for the Butcher Gang to pass over. On top of this, the Butcher Gang's ability to detect your presence is somewhat janky. They don't have any peripheral vision and can't see through glass windows (or if they do, they have reduced vision through glass), but can see exactly where you are if you you stand in front of metal grates. To make matters worse, this was the section of the game where my controller broke, delaying my playthrough (and by proxy, this review) until I could get a replacement. Which I admit is not the fault of the game itself, but bad timing on a less than ideal section of a game causes me to like this specific section of the game even less.

But now we can talk about what Bendy and the Ink Machine does best! Style and atmosphere. The game's art style, not unlike fellow indie darling Cuphead, is inspired by 30's era cartoons. Steamboat Willie, Popeye the Sailor Man, and Betty Boop are the most obvious inspirations. And the game as a whole looks gorgeous! It uses exactly three colors in its entire palette, and it looks gorgeous! The lighting is great, the character designs are great, the texturing is stylized in a way that it looks like a cross between cell shading and rubber hose animation. It all looks great. Anyway, as befitting a good horror game, Bendy and the Ink Machine does a good job building up its atmosphere and tension. You rarely feel safe on a first playthrough, because of how much disrepair the studio has fallen into, and the ominous warnings written on the walls like "THE CREATOR LIED TO US" or "WHO'S LAUGHING NOW?" add to the feeling of dread. Because the entire game takes place within a single building, there isn't a whole lot of variety when it comes to location designs, although Chapters 3-5 get more creative in this regard. Chapter 3 has the toy factory and central complex, Chapter 4 has the amusement park, and Chapter 5 has these massive underground caves with entire rivers of ink that you have to sail across in steamboats. Chapter 2 doesn't really do much with the Music Department itself, and Chapter 1 is just "the normal building interior" in this regard. All of these locations look great because of the art style, but the later locations stand out more.

The sound design is dang near perfect. The creaking of floorboards as you walk over them, the chugging and wheezing of old machinery, and the sputtering of film reels makes the experience more immersive. The constant gurgling of the Butcher Gang is disgusting, but its your best bet to figuring out where they are in relation to you. The voice acting is pretty solid. Henry sounds like a stoic old man who takes everything in stride. To be honest, the strongest reaction we hear from Henry is when he first finds the Boris corpse in Chapter 1, where he is clearly horrified at what he's looking at. Sammy and Susie both are portrayed with a delightful amount of over-the-top madness and insanity, and I enjoy that kind of performance for villains. One of my favorite moments in the whole game is when you're listening to a cassette tape left by Sammy, where he talks about his newfound obsession with Bendy, and asks, "Can I get an Amen?" at the end of the recording. Somewhere behind you, you hear the real Sammy say "I said, CAN I GET AN AMEN!?" And that is one of the most genuinely bone-chilling scenes in the whole game, thanks to the performance of Aaron Landon. There's also a handful of cassette tapes to collect in every Chapter, and these are always a blast to listen to. Not only does Bendy and the Ink Machine tell most of its story through these cassette tapes, they're all fully voiced and the personalities and accents stay consistent with the characters. Like how all of Joey Drew's tapes have this excitable, whimsical warmth to them (at least until Joey shows his true colors). Or how this one employee, named Wally Franks, speaks with a very thick Brooklyn accent and uses slang common that that area. It's a brief moment of levity that makes the tension and dread of the rest of the game more manageable. Also there's one employee who's randomly Irish, which I find hilarious.

The music is for the most part, intense and foreboding. Because it's a horror game. That said, the jingle that plays when you reach the Music Department in Chapter 2 is catchy, as well as the jingle when you reach the Administration area in Chapter 5. There's also this one motif that first plays in Chapter 3 but is used again in chapters 4 and 5 that sounds mystical and somber, though I have no clue as to what kind of instrument they used to make that motif. But the best pieces of music in this game have an interesting story behind them. In every Chapter, there is a jukebox hidden somewhere, and clicking on it will play an instrumental song. What song plays depends on what Chapter you're on, though they all sound great, in my opinion. That's not the interesting part. The interesting part is that all of the songs that play on the juke boxes are instrumental covers of fan-made songs created by the Bendy and the Ink Machine fan community. Apparently Joey Drew Studios (the real life one) found those fan songs and liked them so much that were put into the game itself as Easter Eggs during a free update. You can find the original, lyrical versions of those songs on YouTube, if you're curious.

In conclusion, Bendy and the Ink Machine is a great horror game. It has clear room for improvement, and Chapter 3 specifically was mediocre compared to the rest of the game, but if Joey Drew Studios takes the lessons they learned while making this game to heart, Bendy and the Dark Revival should be even grander than the original. But is the game scary? It depends on what you define as scary. The jump scares themselves are telegraphed and scripted to occur in the exact same place, at the exact same time every playthrough, so they are only truly "scary" on a first run of the game. That said, the immediate panic you feel whenever Bendy is close by is exhilarating, since Bendy is the only creature that feels like a legitimate threat no matter how far into the game you get. Honestly, just watching Bendy walk by while in hiding is more terrifying than the actual, intentional scares. The scene in Chapter 5 where you have to out-speed a giant hand as you sail down an ink river is also stress-inducing. Again, not a true jump scare, but the stress of having to outpace something just mere feet behind you makes the experience scarier. But anyway, this is a good game to play to celebrate Halloween, or if you want to test the bravery of your friends but don't want them to hate you for it. With that being said, Bendy and the Ink Machine is on the verge of greatness. The game's not perfect, but it's fun, and if you like horror games or games inspired by older time periods, it's worth checking out.

How to celebrate Halloween, like a (nerdy) boss.

 Ah, Halloween. The one holiday that gets regularly compared to Christmas due to being the two holidays people take seriously, as well as the fact they're practically next to each other on the Calendar (no, Thanksgiving doesn't count). …Actually there's not much difference the two holidays. Both involve decorating and dressing yourself up to match a theme, and rewarding/being rewarded treats and presents. But there's something strangely magical about Halloween, the costumes, the candy, the parties, all of it comes together for a delightfully spooky (or depending on your social circle, nerdy) time. But say there's something in the world right now that makes social gatherings... Difficult... Those parties are now harder to maintain. Or maybe all is right in the world, but you want to celebrate the spooky time in peace. Well then do I have the perfect guide for you, on how to enjoy the Eve of Hallows like a boss. A Spooky, Nerdy Boss.

First step to enjoying Halloween like a (nerdy) boss, watch The Nightmare Before Christmas. And then watch it again on Christmas. Or really any time of the year. No, I'm not biased just because Nightmare Before Christmas happens to be my favorite Disney film. It's the perfect Halloween film, and yes, I do consider it a Halloween film first, and a Christmas film second. Why? Because it's about Jack Skellington, the king of Halloween, trying to make his own scarier version of Christmas, rather than Santa Claus making his own happier version of Halloween. But anyway, once you finish watching it, be sure to jam out to the all the songs from the film, especially This is Halloween. 

Next up, get yourself a Final Fantasy XIV account. Why, you ask? Because that game's Glamour system means you get to make your own Halloween costumes for your character, obviously! (I mean, it's also a pretty awesome MMORPG with 200+ hours of content to play around with, but that's not what we're here for). Plus, Final Fantasy XIV also had an actual Halloween-themed Event that upon completion, got you a bunch of Halloween-themed prizes. This game is like the best way to make virtual Halloween costumes, which is totally what Naoki Yoshida had in mind when he saved this game from certain doom seven years ago.

After that, you take your spooky levels up to the next level. That's right, you must now play through the entire Soulsborne series. Beginning with Demon's Souls, all the way to Dark Souls III. You can throw Sekiro: Shadows Dies Twice in here as well (despite it's radical changes in both game design and storytelling style), since it was also made by the From Software team, and continues the tradition of From Software games being disproportionately difficult at the beginning and gradually getting easier as you get used to the mechanics. Because From Software believes very much in the concept of tough love. But anyway, given the Gothic Horror aesthetic every game in this series runs with, literally every outfit you wear in any of these games could pass for a Halloween costume. Also, if you want to make a Haunted House, you can use most of the music from the games to set up a foreboding atmosphere. Just remember to Praise the Sun while seeking out souls, okay? Pursue Strength so the rest may follow, and Don't Give Up, Skeleton! 

But we can take the spooky levels even further beyond. Invite some friends over, teach them how to play Dungeons & Dragons, and when you all have the basics down, run the pre-written adventure Curse of Strahd. It's a spooky, horror themed adventure where the party is trapped in a freaky nightmare world where they are continually harassed by the titular Vampire King, as the party looks for a way to escape their predicament. Unless one of your players' characters came into the aforementioned nightmare world voluntarily for whatever reason (for revenge, for solitude, for science, etc.), in which case you can adjust the story as needed. I've also been told that Icewind Dale: Rime of the Frostmaiden is pretty spooky as well, though that adventure's big thing is a spooky winter, rather than a spooky vampire. Just pick whichever one piques the interest of your group more.

BUT WE CAN TAKE THE SPOOKY LEVELS EVEN FURTHER!!! Invite your friends (preferably the ones you ran Curse of Strahd with) over to binge-watch the entirety of Goosebumps. Bonus points if you have kids, so you can show them the episode with Slappy the Living Dummy and traumatize them for years to come. …That may or may not be based on an incident with my own childhood. Or you can read the books written by R. L. Stine. Either way works. Just make sure a child gets traumatized by the end of it (NOTE: don't actually traumatize a child, that's mean).

BUT WE CAN GO EVEN FURTHER BEYOND!!! Steve from Minecraft was recently added to Super Smash Bros Ultimate as a DLC character (side note: STEVE FROM MINECRAFT IS IN THE BIGGEST FIGHTING GAME OF ALL TIME NOW, THIS IS THE CRAZY TIMELINE WE LIVE IN), and one of his alternate costumes is a Zombie costume. The only correct thing to do is have a 7vs1 Team Battle against a bunch of Zombie!Steves set to the highest difficulty possible, and see how long you can survive the zombie apocalypse. Bonus Points if you have Ridley team up with the Zombie!Steves. Because Ridley is an undead dragon. FROM SPACE!!! Extra Bonus Points if you play as Simon or Richter Belmont, because they come from a family of demon hunters who literally kill undead monsters for a living.

BUT WE CAN GET EVEN SPOOKIER!!! Stroll on up to your local GameStop (or equivalent store), pick up literally any horror game, and play the crab-cakes out of it. Maybe try speed-running it. I can confirm out of all the "Pro-Gamer Moves" to celebrate Halloween, this is the one that actually works. How do I know this? Because I literally strolled up to my local GameStop (or equivalent store), picked up a random horror game, and started playing that a bunch. In my case it was Bendy and The Ink Machine, a Puzzle-Horror game inspired by 30's era cartoons. It's a highly enjoyable game with a lovely art style, creepy atmosphere, and a unique story about the dangers of business mismanagement and putting your employees in dangerous, life threatening situations just because you were too greedy and started cutting corners. But anyway, you don't need to grab Bendy and the Ink Machine specifically. Like I said, literally any horror game will do. Slender: The Arrival? Check. Five Nights at Freddy's? Perfectly reasonable. Little Nightmares? Go for it.

Now I know what you're thinking. "Gee, Spencer, we've gotten pretty spooky for Halloween, there's no way we can possibly get the spookiness levels to go any higher, right?" And to that I say, there is one last thing we can do, to engage our spooky Maximum Overdrive, and achieve Peak Spookiness. What is that, you ask?

Yes. You gotta listen to Silly Symphony: The Skeleton Dance. Or, as the Internet prefers to call it, the "Spooky Scary Skeletons" song. But you have to listen to this song. Regardless of the situation. Driving to the store to pick up groceries? You gotta blast the Spooky Scary Skeletons song. Going to work? You gotta jam out to Spooky Scary Skeletons. Writing a comedic guide on the nerdiest possible ways to celebrate a holiday about being spooky? There is no reason NOT to listen to this song. (real talk, this is actually a good song).

And there's the step by step guide on how to celebrate Halloween in the nerdiest, spookiest way possible. Don't forget to make a costume, and decorate at least one room in your house with spooky things like Jack-Oh-Lanterns and fake skeletons. Your Welcome.

P.S. In case you haven't realized it yet, this whole thing is meant to be a comedic joke. You don't need to do all these things to have a good time. The only real advice I can give is make sure you and your friends are having fun, because that is ultimately what's most important for any kind of festivity, not just Halloween. Either way, enjoy this spooky time of year and may your Eve of Hallows be a ghoulishly good time.