Pokemon Sun & Moon was the game that marked the beginning of Gen 7, as well as my first main series Pokemon game I played since I got Platinum back in 2007 (I skipped a lot of games...). The game was good, but suffered from excessive hand-holding and depressing linearity. Don't get me wrong. The Pokemon games have always been linear experiences with thorough tutorials. It's just more blatant in this game because the tutorial is A FULL HOUR LONG with no way to skip past it. The anime for this Gen 7 was... Strange. Featuring a more exaggerated art style and complete genre shift from "lighthearted adventure story" to "straight-up slice-of-life comedy" though I do hear that the anime is whole lot better than its first impressions imply.
Gen 7 also introduced Alolan Variants, redesigns of beloved fan favorites (or glow-ups of more obscure Pokemon) meant to breath new life into old Pokemon. And I really love this concept and wish every Generation after 7 does this. It does mean that I may have to write new descriptions that apply only to the redesigned versions of these Pokemon, and the main reason I didn't do most of them with their original Gen's counterpart is simply because I haven't thought of any jokes for them. But now I have. Let's do this. Once again, all of the descriptions are meant to be comedic, and are in no way intended to offend anybody. Not all Pokemon will be covered, but Pokemon related to each other will share a description.
Rowlet family: Your favorite DC Superhero is Green Arrow.
Litten family: Your favorite Marvel Superhero is Black Panther. Your name may or may not be John Cena.
Popplio: You were bullied as a kid. Now you're the only person in your class to have a stable job, a healthy family, and a positive influence on the community while those same bullies wonder why everything in their lives fell apart. Who's laughing now, bullies?
Pikipek family: You have a VHS copy of all the Woody Woodpecker shorts. How you managed to get them all is a mystery, even to yourself.
Gumshoos: You're supposed to be a detective, but everyone thinks you're a Republican instead.
Vikavolt: You are now convinced that Game Freak is going out of their way to make every new early-game Bug-Type awesome.
Crabrawler: You like how it looks like a fusion of Little Mac, Johnny Bravo, and a crab
Crabominable: You've been waiting for a Yeti/Bigfoot inspired Pokemon for years. This the closest thing you're gonna get.
Oricorio: You're one of the Four Horsemen of Cool Dance Movies. You also have a crippling addiction to Oreo cookies.
Ribombee: The only time you won't wear a scarf is when you're forced to not wear one.
Lycanroc: You play Werewolf: The Apocalypse. You also may or may not have watched Teen Wolf.
Wishiwashi: You're not that strong by yourself. But when you bring your friends with you, you're unstoppable.
Toxapex: You like to go camping, but not that fancy luxury camping with cabins and AC. You do old-school "primitive" camping, with tents and campfires.
Mudbray family: Your favorite Shrek quotes all come from Donkey.
Dewpider family: You can quote literally any line from both Portal games from memory.
Lurantis: You prefer the girly version of Scyther. You also wear pajamas around the house, even in the middle of the day.
Shiinotic: You ate one too many mushrooms. Now your world looks like that scary forest from Slender.
Salandit: You think trolling people is funny.
Salazzle: You played Doki Doki Literature Club! because you were told the game was scary. You were not disappointed.
Bewear: Everyone bewares of your Bewear's wares that he wears.
Tsareena: You played Doki Doki Literature Club! because you were told the main characters were all cute anime girls. You were not disappointed.
Comfey: You live somewhere... Comfey. Bad-dum-ting!
Oranguru: You still think Harambe jokes are funny. You're wrong. That meme is dead. Even deader than Harambe.
Passimian: You watch American Football. I don't, and I'll never understood the appeal. But you do you.
Golisopod: Your favorite movie is Predator, but your favorite video game is MechWarrior.
Palossand: You're the opposite of Anakin Skywalker.
Pyukumuku: You have a strong stomach, and it takes something REALLY gross to nauseate you.
Silvally/Type Null: You have a soft spot for tragic, Frankenstein style monsters.
Minior: You have a COLORFUL personality.
Komala: You sleep in, even with an alarm clock blaring at you.
Turtonator: Whenever you play literally any shooter game, you're "that guy" who camps in the corner of the map and take pot-shots at people with a sniper rifle (or the equivalent thereof).
Togedemaru: You prefer the S P H E R I C A L version of Pikachu
Mimikyu: You use goofy costumes to hide your own insecurities.
Bruxish: Your only wish is for some fish.
Drampa: You're the rare cool grandpa that teens hang out with because his cool factor transcends age and generational gap. Or your favorite movie is The Never Ending Story. Possibly both!
Dhelmise: You gotta be honest, this thing does NOT look like a Pokemon.
Jangmo-o family: You're always a little late to the party. When you do show up, you bring boom boxes and sick beats.
The Island Guardians: All of your knowledge of Hawaiian culture comes from Lilo & Stitch and Moana.
Cosmog: You're a free spirit who can't be tied down. ...Until you are literally tied down.
Solgaleo: You get sunburned easily.
Lunala: You're a Night Owl who stays up late.
UB-01 Symbiont (aka Nihilego): You play Call of Cthulhu. You also may or may not have experienced an extreme fever dream once upon a time.
UB-02 Absorption (aka Buzzwole): A ridiculously muscular (and manly) mosquito was something you never knew you needed in your life until now.
UB-02 Beauty (aka Pheromosa): You use Instagram, and use an excessive amount of perfume. Also, side note: Trying to look at Pheromosa, an all-white Pokemon, against a white background is literally the most painful experience anyone could possibly endure. It hurts. It physically hurts.
UB-03 Lighting (aka Xurtitree): You built your own Gaming PC from scratch instead of buying a pre-made one.
UB-04 Blaster (aka Celesteela): You're going on a trip, in your favorite rocket ship.
UB-04 Blade (aka Kartana): You've been practicing your origami. So far you can only make paper air planes, but hey! At least they can fly a full 15 feet before landing.
UB-05 Glutton (aka Guzzlord): You have a bottomless appetite.
Necrozma: Your favorite movie is Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back.
Ultra Necrozma: You made it your life mission to teach people how to get good at Pokemon... By throwing them headfirst into the path of the toughest boss in the whole franchise.
Magearna: You prefer the Steampunk version of Diancie.
Marshadow: Omae wa, mou shindeiru... "NANI!?" *explodes*
Naganadel: Your favorite movie is Alien, but your favorite video game is Metroid.
Stakataka: You're an Unmovable Object. Alternatively, you play Fortnite competitively.
Blacephalon: You're not quite an Unstoppable Force, but you can certainly CLOWN around!
Zeraora: You prefer the zappy version of Lucario.
Meltan and Melmetal: You've got a lot of iron in your diet. You also may or may not be nuts.
And done... NOW TO DESCRIBE THE REDESIGNED POKEMON!!! Start up the Lightning Round!
Alolan!Rattata family: Your favorite video game is Epic Mickey.
Alolan!Raichu: You eat pancakes for breakfast, faithfully, every single day. You're also a fan of surfer movies, but have no idea how to surf yourself.
Alolan!Sandshrew family: *singing* You frolic and play, the Eskimo way, Walking in a Winter Wonderland!
Alolan!Ninetales: Your favorite anime is My Hero Academia, and you probably have a crush on Todoriki.
Alolan!Dugtrio: *singing* And they hear you say HEYYEYAAEYAAEEEYAEYAA!!!
Alolan!Meowth: You hate Mondays.
Alolan!Persian: You love lasagna.
Alolan!Geodude family: You're a geologist, dude. (side note, holy crab-cakes, its hard coming up with a joke for this one. Seriously, most of my jokes come naturally, but this thing is what stumped me the longest)
Alolan!Muk: You're a party animal.
Alolan!Exeggutor: I mean, just look at this wonderful abomination. It's prime meme-fuel!
Alolan!Marowak: You're always ready to give sinners a bad time *MEGALOVANIA plays in the background*
And done. Boom. Lightning round finished. Ironically only one of the redesigned Pokemon is Electric-Type (Geodude). But that'll do it for Generation 7. Only one remains...
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